#It just gets on my nerves how poorly it’s being handled recently

[ennard-is-near]

My least favorite thing in the progression of FNaF lore has probably been the regression of how painful Full Springlock Failures are. This has bugged me endlessly. No way in hell is that survivable at all and in the movie it’s literally just a couple prongs digging into Matthew Lillard’s stomach.

Never forget that in the original canon that shit pulls your eyes out! Springtrap has animatronic feet with bits of flesh on them! That shit replaces your limbs, man. That’s no joke! Especially because all the animatronic bits need to fight their way through the rest of your body to get where they’re going. You are not making it out of that situation no matter how much medical attention you get.

This obviously doesn’t apply to partial springlock failures, like if they only go halfway in or it’s just part of the suit that fails. And I genuinely really enjoy headcanons and stuff revolving around William having previously survived a springlock failure (especially if it’s what lead to his intense fear of dying). I just don’t see how what the games show could be survived at all and it does sort of get on my nerves that it’s slowly becoming sort of workplace injury and not sudden and violent death.

[kissmethroughthebone]

Some self-reflection...

I definitely don't respect men with kids my age who want to get it on with me. At least have the nerve to not reproduce, so that the whole "older guy going for young attractive model" thing can be just that, and not so visibly "the model is only 3 years older than your kid".

And I know my inherent misandry and impatience did a two hit combo on a guy who fit that exact description recently.

Bald middle aged Indian dude. The type of man to praise me (and repeatedly talk over me) for not drinking when we first met at a bar of a comedy show, then over text, suggest our next meet-up be at a jazz bar and restaurant.

Not the worst thing in the world, (and actually sounded like a nice tempting first meet for a Friday night; I had been interested in the jazz bar, and the restaurant suggestion was actually a favorite of mine that I had been to before.....) but, a man monologuing about how absolutely good it is that I don't drink alcohol, just to be all "Let's go to this bar and then dinner", and "You like champagne/wine/rose?" a day or so later is..... not great.

Not to mention his lack of manners in letting me get a word in edge-wise. Not a great trait, but I was open to blaming that on the noisy bar, a socially awkward personality type on him, and him being too excited to talk to a woman easily.

And of course I never believe a man when he says he wants to be "just friends"; I've never interacted with him before, and he's significantly older. The only person in my life who is 100% that, is a taken man. (Who does date girls my age, or even younger.) There's nothing that I, a 23 year old fly black girl, could be "friends" with that man, about.

And funny enough, he was also the type that got weird when I mentioned wanting to text a bit more before our meetup to get to know each other, (code for "I don't know you well enough to know if I can handle or tolerate a prolonged 30+ minute non-alcoholic beverage and dinner with you, so I wanna know about your life/politics/otherwise so that neither person has a bad shock and any time wasted",) and he was all "Well we are meeting tomorrow......... right?"

.............Rubbed me the wrong way.

Overall, let's just say I'm not interested in dates with men who want to see me for free or for very little.

My phone ended up breaking the morning of our date. 135 dollars.

I'm a strong believer in "Why would I give a man my presence, if he can't do anything for me?" I like and require all the men on my roster to be able to help. If I have multiple men hovering around and none can do a thing for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, then that's a problem.

Was I about to see a bald middle-aged man for an awkward drink at a bar, some condescending rants and impromptu speeches and monologues, and a plate of food at a decent place that I could be enjoying with a younger, cuter, richer and more polite man?

Not with a broken screen. The way my temper is, I can't stand men who want to be in my presence when I am broke. Like, why are you here?

Then he gets the luxury of looking like The Man to everyone else. Fist bumps in the bathroom from the other men there, winks from waiters, all of that. Looking like a man who can pull and has an It Factor. Meanwhile, I get a headache, that turns into a migraine.... And some enjoyable leftovers to cover up the bad taste in my mouth of being around a not great man.

And I wouldn't even have the luxury to type on here about how well (or poorly) my date had gone. Because, smashed phone screen. And yet, some man got to enjoy oggling me up and down for free.

Ew.

I know, I know. I could've strategized more. I could've gone on the date, maybe had the experience of it and seen how well I can bond with a man and play the long game. Hook, line, and sink. Make a man build an attachment first and charm him well, right?

But I also figured, "Remember the last few times when you went on dates with old men, and they usually just went on extremely stupid rants, while attempting lovebombing or perversion? Then had the nerve to hesitate to discuss allowance or not offer shit?"

Like oh suuuure, old man almost triple my age, I'll scour the Craigslist marketplace free section and haul a dingy piece of furniture home because you think it's "too soon" to be a man and help get me a dresser. But meanwhile he didn't think it was too soon to try to massage my neck in his car or ask filthy questions. (UGH I cringe, I cringe, HARD).

And I am not a patient person when it comes to things like this. Or a nice one. Like oh, you take me for a fool? You want all the privileges of my company and not want to improve my life quality, despite your abundance?

Now you're no better than an ant on a picnic blanket to me; something to flick away.

Debating on if I lean more into being unafraid to cut men off immediately (seems to be going well so far) or working on my charm, and the best ways to test if a man is generous pre-meet.....

Some ladies can do it well. "It appears I have to cancel our date tonight, I had my phone break and I have to work out the details on how I can pay for that to get it fixed", to make him have the urge to suggest helping himself like it was his idea... Or other tactics. Still have to learn, feel free to give insight.

I did a more straightforward technique of telling him what happened, how it ruined my day. He said "I hope our drinks and date can make it better". I said "I think a little money to help get it fixed could make it better, that way I can focus on just our nice date. I would like to see you tonight, I was looking forward to it."

He didn't say much aside from "Thank you for considering seeing me." Vague, and felt like a blatant dismissal or a hint to cancelling our plans. And, well, I felt relieved.

And simultaneously, a bit annoyed, frankly.

I forget how much time passed before I got a tad hotheaded, and simply said something about how not wanting to help is understandable, but I have no reason to meet as a "friend" with a man who has a college-school son my age...

Working on stabilizing my blood pressure, and also noticing that my hotheadedness is a vice at times, and a blessing at other times. Like yeah, one can say my hotheadedness stopped me from a multi-course pre-fixe meal at my favorite restaurant, but on the other end of it, I also saved myself from a man with massive red flags a week ago with this same temperament.

If being entitled to my own autonomy and standards makes the worst men ever flee from me, then let me continue on and enjoy such!

But on the bright side, I did enjoy a night at home watching video game streams and listening to the most popular rap beef right now, and if I instead utilized my time and energy to buy hair products, suffer detangling my 4c hair in the shower, adorn myself in amazing jewels and a cute outfit, and tolerated that evening with that man, I would've probably ended up cold, annoyed, and frustrated.

And instead, I had the time of my life and made massive strides for things I wanted done around my place. Even invited over L on my roster to help me clean and organize, had a great time with a hot younger guy who actually put in the work with me.

Plus it's unsafe to go out with a broken phone anyway. Not like I lived far from the restaurant at all, not at all, but still... All in all, I can picture being not great if I scraped myself together looking fly all for a man to, at the end of a date with lovebombing and gaslighting galore, to go "I can't do that, I don't know you that well!"

Better to stay home with my hair wild, peanut butter sandwiches, and a lot of blankets. My own company, always.

Anyway, ta-ta for now.

[threecheersforinking]

Review: Boys Over Flowers

*this review will contain spoilers!*

Hi everyone! This is going to be an extremely long, unsolicited recap of all my thoughts about Boys Over Flowers. I don't know a single person in my real life who has watched this, so I'm using this blog as my space to infodump because this show has become my new hyperfixation. If anyone at all ends up reading this, I really appreciate it! But this is mostly entirely for myself lol.

As someone who is pretty deep into the shoujo anime world and just recently getting into kdramas, I have heard of this show in passing many times. Kkotboda Namja is referenced in Korean media a lot and Hana Yori Dango is lauded as a classic shoujo in the manga sphere, so I figured it might be good to watch the show just to be able to get all the references and consume a piece of shoujo history. Originally, I thought it would be a mindless watch that I might have to force myself to finish; I started off concerned about getting through 25 episodes, but in the end, I ended up wishing there were more lol.

I'm gonna be honest, when I first started watching it, I was like uhhh this is... kinda bad. especially in the beginning. But I became endeared to the quirks I originally criticized. The slow motion dramatic replay shots, the shaky camera, the questionable acting skills all are an essential part of the show itself.

In general, the story was more compelling than I was expecting. But the characters were undoubtedly the best part of the show for me. I always find myself getting attached to media where characters are the focus, and I believe that's why I enjoyed this so much. So I am going to go into each character a bit more in depth.

Thoughts on Jandi

As far as shoujo protagonists go, Jandi is pretty quintessential and standard. She is poor, she is hardworking, she is kind. We've all seen this before. But I always liked her, and she grew on me even more as the series went on. She has the ever-present shoujo 'hard working poor girl' trait, but the show took that to a more serious level than I was expecting. The arc where she had to essentially raise her little bother by herself forced her to mature so quickly, which felt very realistic to me.

I also really loved how much of a 'girl's girl' she was; as far as earlier episodes go, the episode that focused on Minji was one of my favorites. I loved how she called out those popular girls on their hypocrisy for criticizing Minji's plastic surgery when they've all had surgery themselves. She also was such a good friend to both Minji and Gaeul and a very strong, assertive person.

As far as her indecisiveness goes, that is kind of a requirement for being a shoujo protagonist in a love triangle, but it did still get on my nerves even though I was fully anticipating it.

Thoughts on F4 (ranked in order of how much I liked them)

Yijung

Yijung was my favorite F4 boy by far. I just thought he had the most interesting and complex backstory. His struggle with his parents was very humanizing and the way he handled it so poorly felt like a realistic response to that kind of trauma. Ultimately, he made bad choices, but in an understanding and forgivable way that made him complex, not unlikeable (unlike someone else... but more on that later).

Jihoo

Jihoo was another character I grew to be very fond of. I was interested in his backstory a lot too, and although we knew from the beginning that he experienced a tragic loss as a child, learning that he carried the guilt of thinking he killed his family for 15 years really gave extra context to his stoicness and sadness. His reunion arc with his grandfather brought me to tears several times, and it really gave his character a lot more depth. My biggest issue with Jihoo is that I felt like he was almost too perfect sometimes; it's why I liked the grandfather reunion arc so much, I thought it gave him some much needed flaws.

Junpyo

Speaking of flaws, look who it is! Obviously, I have a lot of conflicted feelings on Junpyo. As someone who is actually very open minded about redemption arcs, I didn't have too much of an issue with him being a bully at the beginning, but his, truthfully, abusive tendencies were such a turn off and felt completely unnecessary. Unlike Yijung, Junpyo's trauma/bad choices made him extremely unlikable and nearly unforgivable. The constant physical violence against completely innocent people and his unwillingness to listen to Jandi explain herself were hard to watch, knowing that he's one of the romantic leads that we're supposed to be rooting for. I also felt like until the final arc, any character development he had gotten just kept undoing itself every time he found a new thing to get angry about. Despite all this, I enjoyed what his character became towards the end of the story. I just wish it wasn't such a painful and unnecessary journey for him to finally become that way.

Woobin

Woobin was kind of a disappointing character in general; I can only assume that he was a bigger character in the manga and they just didn't have time to really develop him in the show, because that's pretty much the only valid explanation for his lack of substance. At the beginning of the show, Yijung and Woobin got less screentime than Junpyo/Jihoo did, but as Yijung started to get more development, Woobin became even more noticeably lacking. They threw in that one scene where he was stressing over being the son of a mafia boss or something (which felt completely out of left field by the way) but because it was the only scene where he was given any backstory it might as well not have existed at all. Overall, he was nice to Jandi and a good friend and I enjoyed him in all the F4 group scenes, I just wish he was a bit more of a fully developed character.

Other Characters

Before I get into the friend characters, I wanted to say that something I really loved about this show was how genuinely kind all the older female characters were to Jandi. For some reason I was expecting most of them to secretly be evil or mean but they were all extremely kindhearted and helpful people, which just made the viewing experience better. Even Minji, who was literally the only one who actually did turn out mean, was able to reconcile with Jandi and end their friendship on a neutral/positive note.

Gaeul

I loved Gaeul from the start, I thought she was so adorable and the perfect best friend character for a shoujo. I honestly wasn't even expecting her to be a fully fleshed-out secondary character in the show, I thought she would just be Jandi's coworker who she gossiped with on occasion. But the fact that she became such a major player in the story made me very happy. I also really loved her with Yijung and was practically screaming at the screen for them to get together, but more on that later.

Jaekyung

Jaekyung was interesting. She was a little ditzy and out of touch, but extremely kindhearted despite her wealthy background. I think her introduction into the show, which subsequently threw a curveball into the relationship of Jandi x Junpyo, came at a good time. I found it refreshing that she was always nice and friendly to Jandi, but also didn't want to give up on Junpyo just because Jandi liked him. My biggest issue with Jaekyung was that her concession at the end of the wedding felt a little out of left field, considering how adamant she had been previously about her pursuit of Junpyo. But based on the nature of her personality, I can see that being believable. I also wish she made another appearance after the wedding arc was over, but we didn't see her again after that :(

Junhee

Junhee was yet another character that I expected to be kind of bitchy/mean but who turned out to be extremely cool and nice. The literal only thing that bothered me about her was that I couldn't fathom how she and Junpyo were supposedly raised in the same home but turned out so different, lol. I guess it's a testament to how girls vs. boys were treated in their patriarchal household, but still jarring.

The Romance

I want to start off by saying that I'm someone who is ok with love triangles. I think there's a lot of people who are tired of them and don't like them, but I am okay with it so long as it's interesting.

That being said, when it comes to love triangles I think a lot of people conflate the character they like better with the character the protagonist very clearly wants more. To me (and to most people I'd assume) Jihoo was just overwhelmingly the better choice. I'd go as far as to say he's the objectively better choice. He was always a million times more kind and thoughtful than Junpyo and truly loved Jandi for almost the entire show. However, I could never fully see him being endgame because Jandi was simply more focused on Junpyo and had more history with him.

I know this is a hot take, but I actually really enjoy the 'bickering couple' trope. I think a little back and forth roasting of each other is fun and entertaining! But bickering is not the same thing as genuine cruelty and one sided bullying. Which is pretty much what was happening at the beginning of the story. However, by the time Junpyo finally mellowed out, I really grew to love his dynamic with Jandi. The teasing was just that; teasing, and not bullying anymore. I just wish there was about 200% more of that dynamic and 100% less of whatever the hell they were doing in the first 2/3rds of the show.

As for couples outside of the main trio, I was the BIGGEST Gaeul/Yijung shipper from the minute they first interacted. I cared way more about them than the main love triangle and was on the edge of my seat whenever they showed up. My biggest criticism of them though is that it took WAY too long. And believe me, I can handle a slow burn, but at a certain point it felt so dragged out that I almost stopped caring (it wasn't confirmed canon until the literal last 10 minutes of the whole show lol). Of course, I was still pleased, but man! Give me a break.

The Show In General

I think it became obvious to me early on that this is like, the mother of all shoujos. Most of the common shoujo tropes I mentioned in this review probably either originated or were popularized by both this show and the original manga. It really set a standard and became iconic, despite its many flaws.

(Side note, I hope I'm not in the wrong for still calling this kdrama a shoujo, I think it being based on a shoujo manga makes it a fair enough label but correct me if I'm wrong)

I also just started reading the manga and wow, they uh... toned some stuff down for the show didn't they? I do like it though, it's different. But I can definitely see why some changes were made from the manga to the show. So far out of all the characters, Jihoo and Junpyo's manga versions feel the most different from their kdrama equivalents, which is a bit surprising as they are the main characters. But we'll have to see if that changes as I get further in.

I also am aware of the several other adaptations of Hana Yori Dango such as the Japanese drama and Meteor Garden (although I am put off by the fact that it's 50+ episodes?? are they an hour long too? if so... I'm not sure about that one) but I knew Boys Over Flowers/Kkotboda Namja was the one I wanted to start with due to its popularity, and I think that was a good choice.

This is a 15 year old show but I know there is still somewhat of an active fanbase for it on here so if you're a hardcore Hana Yori Dango stan please go easy on me! These are just my opinions so take them with a grain of salt.

Anyway, if anyone ended up reading this to the end thank you for reading. I'm going to be posting more kdrama reviews on this blog that I promise will be way shorter. Bye!

-threecheersforinking

[youngerfrankenstein]

I was enabled. And somehow this wound up 1700 words long. And it’s still not everything I want to say.

So I have personally been making my way through several Transformers shows over the last few months and sort of doing writeups. Long story short it's a love/hate relationship. But my most recent one was EarthSpark, a show which was a lot weaker than I'd hoped. But in the middle of watching that show I figured "well Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is also on Paramount+. It might be fun to try out the other recent take on an 80's cartoon." And then the show was so much better I almost got angry.

Now, admittedly the shows are not THAT similar, but they are both about groups of non-human characters trying to get by on Earth with the help of human friends, they are both somewhat fresh takes on an 80's classic and they both have family as a central theme. And Rise just works so much better as a show.

Now there are a couple of reasons. For one I think the split-episode structure keeps the Turtles episodes flowing at a really brisk pace, and the far more episodic structure allows for more freedom, while EarthSpark feels more like it's trying to tell one story that keeps getting broken up. Rise also just has stronger writing. But I think the main issue for the difference in quality is just that Rise, unlike EarthSpark, knows what it wants to be.

And what exactly I mean by that is hard to pin down. A lot of it just comes down to how something ~feels~ and that's not very helpful. But I think it mostly comes down to two things. Clarity of Theme and Consistency of Tone.

-

Clarity of Theme

Stories have themes. They just do. Themes are what a story is about.

So what is EarthSpark about. Well. The two main themes I've seen people mentioning are Family and Identity. Which are definitely major themes! Don't get me wrong, the show is pretty blatant with them. But those are far from the only themes. We also have things like second chances, racism/xenophobia (handled really poorly in my opinion), growing up (which I would argue overlaps with identity but is still it's own thing) and the fallout of a war. None of these are bad themes inherently! But trying to tackle all of them in one 26 episode season means you can't go into much depth with any of them, so all the lessons come off as pretty shallow with kids just kind of being told what to think about the situation. There are also a few laboured political points (and before you jump me NO. I am not talking about Nightshade. A nonbinary character existing is not political. I'm talking about shit like the "undocumented cybertronians" line that make me want to drown the writers in a kiddie pool.)

Overall it feels like the MAIN concept behind the show is using Transformers as a second-generation immigrant story allegory. Which I actually think is a neat idea! But so much else is going on the concept has no real space to breathe.

And what is Rise's main theme? Family …and that's about it! Yeah there's the episodic morals and such but the over-arcing theme really is just family. Largely brought about just by how the brothers and Splinter interact. You just buy them as a family because of how they interact. They love each other, they get on each other's nerves, they support each other, they argue. You can see Splinter becoming more involved as an actual father as the show goes on. Everyone gets through the trials because they go through them together.

And of course, how the villains tie into this. Now most of the villains in Rise are just there to be silly obstacles, but one does stand out, and that's Shredder. In this version, Shredder is a demonic set of armour and the corrupted soul of Karai's father. His defeat means the two can finally reunite. And his long reach and the feud between the Hamato and Foot clans all tie into the theme of family well. His defeat ties every character together and emphasizes the theme.

Krang is the movie villain, and they made him terrifying by the way, and he ties more into the movie's theme. It's a more character-centric arc of Leo being humbled. Learning he needs to give his ego a break and help and be helped by his brothers. Since Krang is all about personal strength it sets him as a fitting foil, ready to be brought down by self-sacrifice and further humiliated by people working together.

Heck even Draxum ties into the theme. He is technically one of the Turtle's parents and is the reason they and Splinter ever became a family. It all ties into the theme.

So what about the villains of EarthSpark?

Well you have Croft, who is meant to represent the institutional xenophobia aspect. She does not like the robots even as she works with them and wants to get rid of them. Fine. Though it is frustrating that there's things she's not really wrong about, but she's clearly meant to be entirely evil. But sometimes that just happens. The bigger problem is she has no real impact on anything. There's no showdown with her, she just dies (maybe???) to try and up stakes. Also they called her Karen. You can't tell me it wasn't intentional and I HATE it.

And Mandroid! Who… well he doesn't like the robots because he lost an arm in one of their battles? I think? But he also sort of wants to become one? And that ends up driving him insane as he gets really sick? And he's just kind of a dick. …Look Mandroid is just a garbage villain who doesn't really tie into ANY of the themes and that sucks. You could argue he represents hate. On a deeper level you could argue he represents a perversion of the Transformer/Human cooperation dynamic. Or that his portrayal is just kind of ableist. But he just kind of wants to kill robots because he's angry at them, and is very boring.

-

Consistency of Tone

And here's where it doubles down on how it feels, since tone can be harder to pin down. But I'll try.

Rise is fully committed to being utterly absurd. It embraces the stupidity of its own concept and sets about building a setting nominally our own world but honestly nothing like it. Its action is completely over the top. Its villains are rarely taken seriously and their general mayhem blends with the mayhem of the world. No concept too ridiculous, we are in a world with teenage mutant ninja turtles after all! The final episode of season 1 has a sixteen year old girl whack a baseball at a toy left in the head of an ancient evil that a rat had been using as a teapot. And the rest of the series set up the world so that I was 100% willing to buy that.

It also helps with the more ridiculous plot points. Baron Draxum getting forcibly adopted into the family after his defeat is stupid. But the tone of the show makes it work, he's just another silly character silly things happen to. And again, it ties into the themes of family. The tone helps it flow better than say, Starscream or Shockwave's random changes of heart in EarthSpark which are played more seriously and with characters who have little to no build up.

Really the only times Rise stops being silly are the season 2 finale and the movie. Which are still kind of absurd but much darker in tone. And honestly by that point? The show had earned it. I care about these goofs and their world. Seeing all that in genuine peril felt awful.

EarthSpark's tone is a little harder to pin down. What it seems to be going for is a deeply idyllic feel that gets shattered by the darker things in the world when they show up. Which is fine, it could work really well! But, likely in part because of the way it released in batches, the darker points largely seem to come out of nowhere and then things go back to idyllic until the next batch opener or finale. Now on a more personal note, idyllic crosses over fast into cloying for me and a LOT of the show crossed over and never looked back. The attempt at a somewhat more serious tone also makes the goofier moments feel out of place.

I do think in large part it's the execution. If you want to have a tone that keeps swapping you want to balance it better. If you want a tone to shift once you have to earn it. And I think the balance was off.

-

Nostalgia Factor

One other note is harder for me to write about because Rise is the only TMNT show I have watched. So any appeal to the nostalgia factor here would be lost on me. Aside from maybe noticing that the two main Foot Clan members were voiced by Pinky and The Brain. (Side note: The more I look at the cast the more I hope the casting director got paid well) Which means I am kind of biased here. But I will say I know most of the villains were new characters the creators made to mess around with. And they are very fun.

Because ES really needed to ease up on the nostalgia. I think part of its problem is being unwilling to let go of the past, to focus entirely on the new cast rather than hyping up legacy characters. If you wanted to write a story about them, then do that! Again, I have no doubt this show was written by fans. What I doubt is whether that's a good thing in this case.

-

P.S. Rise also has significantly better animation. One of the things I did quite like about ES is the action sequences, but Rise completely blew it out of the water with theirs. And stylisation helped make even the simple scenes feel more energetic. Am I saying that Transformers should go back to 2D animation? YES.

[liitlesunshiine]

High on the clock

Quirkless AU - Toya Todoroki

Warnings: cursing, drug use, anxiety, panic attack mention, suggestive themes, slight sexual themes 

A fun light hearted fic. Definitely enjoyed writing this piece so I hope you guys enjoy reading it. ^.^ It’s flirty n cute n Toya is a total bae. <3 

You and Toya are coworkers who try making the most out of your shitty job. 

------------------------

“Goddd this place fuckin blows.” You groaned in frustration sitting across Toya. 

“As if I didn’t know that already,” he sleeplishly replied. 

You never intended on working in this shit show of a store for as long as you have but yet, here you were two wasted years later. You had high hopes after graduation but it seems no job wants to hire someone with no experience and you can’t get any experience since you can’t get an actual job that’ll provide it. So it’s forced you in this sort of awkward limbo and vicious cycle of going back and forth. You’ve been stuck wearing this shitty bright uniform with a barely livable wage and terrible hours. Miserable every second of the day, with the constant guilt eating at you for being so complacent. 

Of course there were a few exceptions.

Of course… Like the highly attractive coworker you spent most of your time here with. Days spent with Toya were significantly better than the days spent without Toya. In fact, if it weren’t for him, you’d probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as you had here. Because man, when days were good they were ok, but when the days were bad, they were really fucking bad.  Some in which you were ready to burn down everyone and everything yet the sweet, hot, god-like Toya would make you melt with his cute quirky smile and meet your eyes with his own that you would absolutely drown in and next thing you know, you had completely forgotten about what you were upset over. Now, it’s just a bonus that he meets your sarcasm with his own, the both of you have always had this flirty like atmosphere that neither of you are willing to acknowledge but low key kinda know there’s an underlying sexual tension there. It was strange how well you both got along, the average onlooker would assume nothing more than a simple boyfriend and girlfriend relationship but it was really just mutual likability and connection between the two of you. Days with Toya were simply good days. And you were absolutely grateful for someone like him because god knows how terrible it’d really be here without him.

“Why don’t we make this night a bit memorable,” Toya who was right next to you behind the counter, gives you a side wink and unzips the company jacket to reveal a small ziplock within the pocket. Andddddd long behold it’s weed! You chuckle to yourself, never getting tired of Toya’s shenanigans. Very much appreciated as he’s best form of entertainment here. 

“Toya we almost got caught last time, you really wanna risk it again?” Your words ran on deaf ears as he was already rolling up the blunt underneath the counter, “what’s the worst they can do? Fire us?” You stopped for a second and nodded, well he wasn’t wrong. Maybe this was the push you needed to finally leave this shit hole. “You got a point, let’s do it quick before someone comes in.” 

While this is a 24 hour convenience store, usually pass 1am, rarely anyone is inside. So you suppose it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. Plus with Toya your bound to have a good time, who are you to deny him. You trusted in him enough to get away with his bs. 

“Pass the lighter doll,” you fished for the lighter that was nicely decorated with little blue flames over in your small book bag and passed it to him. He holds the blunt between his two hands and you duck underneath the counter with him. “Ladies first,” he cockily said, you lean forward and placed your mouth on the blunt while he held it for you. He always did this and it always felt oddly intimate to you. Couldn’t help the warm fuzzy feeling in your chest taking over when his glass like eyes gazed over you. They always made you curious and somehow hungry for knowledge of his life. You’ve never knew someone so well yet know nothing of them, but that’s always been enigma of Touya. You exhaled closing your eyes, attempting to calm your nerves. “You know the only time I ever smoke is on the job with you.” He smirked bringing the blunt to his own lips, “guess I’m a bad influence then.” 

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “Everyone needs a lil spice in their life, no?” It was his turn to roll his eyes. You gently grabbed his wrist and led the blunt back to your lips again, he stared quietly at you. Which oddly made you tense up. “Don’t look at me like that,” you smiled. 

“Like what?” He smiled. 

“Like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world that you can’t live without.” Now you both laughed. This was the usual routine with Toya; cracking jokes and talking shit for a bit and simply enjoying each other’s company while the store was empty. He finally broke the trance you were in when he spoke up. 

“You know, having my father kick me out of the house wasn’t so bad after all,” Toya leaned in. 

You looked at him with a puzzled look, he never brings up his father. Whenever the conversation appeared it was quickly diverted elsewhere. You didn’t want to poke or intrude but curiosity got the best of you and you couldn’t help but want to continue the conversation. “Yea? Why is that?” You wondered. His father, from what you’ve been able to gather with the little bits Toya has mentioned here and there, was that supposedly his father is some CEO to a multi million dollar company. Odd considering the likes to where Toya ended up but you concluded that they must’ve ended in bad terms. You understood how cruel and selfish parents can be and didn’t need further explanation on that part. Easy to assume considering how poorly and little he speaks of him. He shut your ideas off with his simple response. 

“I wouldn’t be smoking a blunt with the world’s most beautiful girl under this shitty counter, if it weren’t for it.” Ha, that definitely caught you off guard, causing a light blush to form across your face. Even with a seeming sensitive topic he still manages to tease you. He’s got that cheeky smile plastered all over, “Got you choked up doll?” You rolled your eyes. You were about to tell him off before the door rang indicating that someone has entered the store. You snapped out of the haze and immediately got up to quickly realize that the person who entered was one of the regional managers, oh fuck. You nearly froze in fear and kicked Toya under the counter. “Ow the fuck was that for?” He looked at you while soothing the kick you just gave him but upon looking at your panicked expression and frenzied body, he quickly crushed the blunt and shoved it back inside the pocket of his jacket. He didn’t need to be told or explained which you greatly appreciated at the moment. Toya was always able to read the room, bless his soul. He clumsily got back up to which you had fixed his crooked hat and whispered into his ear to tuck his shirt in while covering him slightly to do so.

“Hi-ya hello, good afternoon, I mean good evening sir.” You embarrassedly stumbled over your words to which Toya snickered at. You kicked him again harder this time as discreetly as you could. On the verge of a panic attack. He gripped tightly at the counter, smiling at the man in front of you both. Hissing silently at the pain your kick caused him. He gave you a quick side eye nodding his head in disapproval. Which somehow made you feel drastically worse. 

“Good evening to you both, I’m sure you know who I am.” 

You responded a bit too hastily looking like a rabid chihuahua. “Yes! Yea. Of course we do, how are you? What brings you in at this time? It’s so late.” You manage to say within 2.0 seconds, the automatic robotic customer service attitude overtaking your body. Well- at least trying to considering you just had a 30-minute smoke sesh under the counter and your mind is  desperately trying to sober up. Honestly, what the fuck was he doing here at this time? This has never happened and I mean out of all the hours of the day. Oh yea, you’re definitely getting fucked, the smell of weed was so pungent, it was literally embarrassing how bad the situation looks. You wanted to cry. Toya’s eyes were stained red and you only assumed yours look worse. 

“Gotten a few complaints about this store recently. Wanted to come in and take a look.” You began to get a cold sweat, oh shit he knows, he definitely knows. You had words lodged in your throat that couldn’t come out. What could you say? What can you say? You’re in the wrong here. Everyone knows that smoking weed with your cool and kinda hot coworker under the counter is definitely not ok. Maybe even illegal, oh god what if this gets on your record. You’ll definitely not be able to get a professional job, then you’ll really get stuck working a even shitter job than this. Oh good oh god oh my god. 

As if sensing the absolute panic and anxiety off of you, Toya gently caressed your arm motioning you to relax and to stay silent. You recognized the wave that washed over him and instantly knew he’d handle the situation, he always does. And if you could die in his arms right now, you’d accept your fate happily. Toya was an interesting man oh right, you always believed he held such potential to do great things and even change the world. It doesn’t make sense really considering you both work at a basic job but you had come to secretly admire the guy. You’d would tell him too, how you believed in him, how you had so much confidence for him to become something great but he would always shut it down and brush it off like it was nothing.  It was as if he didn’t think he was good enough. It always bugged you that he thought so little of himself, but seeing him now causally and confidently bullshit the regional manager out of your current situation just simply reminded you of how special he was to you. Definitely got your pussy wet and made you eternally grateful too.

Toya was standing in front of the counter, making hand gestures while the manager just stared analyzing his words. You were completely z0ned out, only able to get parts of the conversation. 

“We’ve been having this customer appear at the store over and over again around this time of night harassing me and Y/N. We’ve considered calling the cops since he’s always high off his mind, we’ve caught him smoking in the bathroom on multiple occasions too. He was in here about 15 minutes ago and we haven’t been able to get rid of the smell.” 

Ah the beautiful lies that slipped through Toya’s lips sounded like a symphony. It was nothing short of comedic and yet so fucking Oscar-worthy. You could definitely pay this man to tell you lies he with how effortlessly convincing he was. You couldn’t even care to listen to what the manager was responding with, but on his way out he waved at you wishing you a goodnight and you sighed out with relief. 

Toya turns to you clasping his hands together “well there’s gonna be a security guard here for the next two weeks.” You laughed “I guess that’s better than getting fired huh.” 

“I’m not sure about that,” he chuckled. “I texted Shigs to come and take over the rest of our shift.” 

You looked at him confused, “how come? Either way, do you think he’ll be ok alone here?”

Toya slipped his phone into his pocket and walked back to you “yea he doesn’t give a fuck. Besides you look pale fucking white, guess this guy sobered your ass up real quick.” 

You attempted to glare angrily at him but it came off as a soft puppy look. You had no energy nor the strength to pretend. It feels like you just got whiplash from the rollercoaster you were on. Figured it was no use in lying considering you looked like you just went through it. “Yea, I still feel high as shit, I just wanna go home already, only thing this guy gave me was a fat fucking headache.” 

He ruffled the top of your head, “awe poor baby,” he said in a teasing tone, he inched up right beside you, “I got something that can help with that.” You jokingly pushed him off you, tying to ignore the warm feeling pooling under your stomach. Your mind was definitely thinking something dirty with a million miles per second and with how he handled today’s situation you’d be more than willing to give him whatever he pleased, but you pretended to cast aside those intrusive thoughts and act unfazed. “Shit don’t tell me you got Advil on you too?” 

He chuckled lightly nodding is head down, “got something even better doll.” He scoots up next to you and grabs a bottle of excedrin underneath the counter, passing it to you. You excitedly open it taking two pills out “oh my god I didn’t know we had some underneath here, yes thank you. You're definitely my hero today Toya.” As if y’all didn’t work in a convenience store that had if not all types of medicines. It was the effort that made it special though, it’s what brought that bright goofy smile of yours to light.  

You weren’t able to see the blush that formed on his cheeks while you swallowed the two pills. “Yea I remember you telling me you get headaches n shit and I know this medicine helps with it.” He was scratching the back of his head awkwardly. He never really handles compliments well but you tippy toed over to him and wrapped your arms softly around his neck. “I appreciate it Toya, that was really thoughtful. Thank you.” 

If you didn’t see his previous blush you definitely noticed this one, which in turn lead you to blush. But you couldn’t miss this opportunity- “AWE is lil Toya blushing. So cute brings me back to my middle school days.” That caused a loud laugh to come out of you both. “Shut it.” he quickly and quietly said. 

“Am I interrupting something.” You and Toya quickly untangled from each other trying to play off the slight tension in the air. 

“Errrr um.. Hey Shiggy, thanks for uh coming in.” You awkwardly stumbled, you never really got along with him so there was always this weird loud silence between the both of you. He already seemed to be annoyed, per usual.  The sloppy blue hair all tangled looking greasy and his patchy skin looking irritated and flaky as usual. He definitely was not amused or happy to be here. Well when was her ever. You’ve yet to seen the man smile. 

“Whatever.” He takes a sip from his metal bottle and walks over to the counter. 

“Shiggy you the man, thanks for pulling up bud.” Toya pats him in the back and Shigaraki shuttered. “Don’t touch me,” he flatly said. He glared at you both. 

“You guys can go leave and fuck now.” The words caught you instantly by surprise and you got completely red. “That’s not what were gonn- ugh whatever like it matters.” With that, you and Toya clock out and leave the store with Shigaraki sending daggers at your back.

“He’s always acting like such a bitch.” You annoyingly complained. 

Toya puts his arm around your shoulder pulling you closer to him “he ain’t so bad when you get to know him.” 

“I guess.” You rolled your eyes, you didn’t really care. You were more relieved to have finally left. He can rot in the store by himself for all you care. Not you or Toga would miss him. 

“So,” Toya glided with his words, itching you closer to him. He was leading the way in this position with you happily following. Not knowing the destination but feeling completely at peace with his form completely snug at your side. You comfortably wrapped your arm around his waist and gently placed your head in the crook of his neck. This was nice you thought, you and Toya were always this intimate when alone. No hesitation or awkwardness, just simply holding hands and sharing body heat as friends with the underlying passion waiting to burst and to be acknowledged. But nothing ever felt rushed, not with Toya. You stared at him from this angle, taking in his beautiful effortless features. His lashes looked so long as you stared in slight jealousy, his hair a perfect black mess with hidden red roots if you stared long enough, and his eyes. Man, you could write poems and sing songs with how the eyes stirred up some emotion you can't quite pin down. Always causing an eruption of feelings you can barely control. 

You felt the warmth from his breath when he spoke, “wanna go to back to my place and finish that blunt? Would love nothing more than to see the world’s most beautiful girl on my bed.” 

You blushed and nodded looking at those piercing blue eyes once again “well, when you look at me like that I guess I can’t say no.” 

Maybe this time you would finally show Toya just how special he really is to you. 

[obeymeaskme]

Obey Me!: Human and Demon Hearts!

A/N: I feel like a broken record, but all the uploaded chapters are pinned <3

Chapter Three: Bonding's Mend (2/3)

Word Count: 1,125

Rating 18+

The house had become quiet. A much more comforting silence than earlier. Everyone had officially gone their ways for the day. Mammon, Satan and Asmodeus had volunteer work at their jobs, and the twins had taken Bella out for a tour. Bella had sent an invite out to Noelle prior to join them, but she gratefully declined. She had other 'plans' to try and get closer to Levi. Satan had already given Noelle a pep talk, and some much needed information about how to worm her way into the Otaku's heart. Much for his own amusement.

Satan had informed her, before leaving, about one of Levi's obsessions; Ruri-chan. A voluptuous demon that has taken the form of a young girl in order to live among humans in order to learn more about them. Noelle had looked at small clips from the anime and doted over her as well, feeling like she understood why Levi admired the 'cute lil' bean' so much. Bringing her back to reality, Satan had shown her a site that was giving away a rare “Inferno Fire Soda Brand Themed Ruri-chan: Magical Fizzle!!!” Figurine. The two of them rolled their eyes at the long name, but scrolled on. Only one winner, and Levi had already maxed out his own Credit card to buy as many tickets as he could. Noelle saw the price of admission, and decided to buy herself a ticket with the intention of giving Levi an extra shot at winning.

Satan had agreed that it was a pleasant idea. Noelle had already explained all her hobbies, and personal interests and he was very surprised that Levi wasn't already clinging to her. Maybe it was the way she dressed? No, it was just, Levi being Levi. Though Satan had other reasons that could lead to his brother's aggression towards her. He jumped as she squealed in delight, proclaiming she got a ticket before the site kicked her off and closed down the admissions page. Patting her on the shoulder he had excused himself from her room and wished her luck.

The page she got the ticket from had claimed it would do the drawing on Wednesday. She was overfilled with joy and rushed to Levi's room, but just before she could knock on his door, her body froze. She wasn't sure why but her nerves tangled up. She desperately wanted to share the news with him, maybe even impress him with her knowledge of the show, but something stopped her. She began to grow worried that he'd ignore her if she knocked on the door. What if it was all for not, and he didn't win? What if he saw her as a bad luck charm and shooed her away for good. She contemplated texting him, and acting like she bought it by accident, or it was given to her by Bella, but she could only see the same outcome. So she walked away.

Sighing heavily she kept her pace, staring at the downloaded entry on her screen. Not paying attention to who she ran into. After a quick turn back around she began to sputter out apologies, and she felt her face turn red as she was face to face with the eldest. Lucifer had made a bizarre grunt noise before warning her about being more careful. Noelle looked down with disappointment. Even then neither of them chose to walk away. Both of them had much they wanted to say, but it was Noelle who spoke Lucifer's name so softly, that he was concerned she was going to cry.

“Are you mad with me?”

He was yet again taken aback by her question. Any normal human would have thought the answer was yes, yet here she stood. Asking anyway. He sighed deeply, pinching his nose, but replied none the less.

“No. I'm more so annoyed. But not with you. Things have come up recently, and I am now aware that I have handled a few situations rather poorly. I'd apologize but...”

He looked at her as her face seemed to lighten up a bit. Though he gave it his best shot at consoling her worries, something inside him still wanted to hate her. He gained back his thoughts as she began shrinking away from him. He had to force his face to relax as he was scowling and seething at her. Noelle asked another question.

“What is it you want me to do? You obviously can't stand the sight of me. I'm not stupid, ya' know. It's not the first time someone looked at me like you do.”

Lucifer rubbed his temple, a growing headache forming. Making him want to walk away, but he humored her.

“I'm not sure. Usually we don't have this hard of a time interacting with humans. I understand Satan explained to you about the three main response systems a soul like yours can cause onto a demon, yes?”

She nods at him and he continues.

“I sat in my study for a while. I was just coming to see you about this. It feels as if I've gone back to my more... primal days as a demon. I do have more control over myself than what I've displayed...”

Noelle stood quietly as Lucifer began shuffling around a few papers, and a book that was marked with sticky notes.

“Take these, and recite this incantation here. It'll allow you to read the book, but I must admit having to be around you this long has made me quite... Uncomfortable. Excuse me.”

Lucifer had taken off at a fast and sloppy pace. He had hopes that his remarks towards her had gotten through his intentions. He did feel sorrowful towards her, but not because of his behavior, but what was written in those papers.

Noelle had made her way to the small library in the house, and sat down in one of the tasteful leather chairs. Years of usage had made it soft, and she understood why Belphie refused to sit in them when she joined the twins, and Bella, for studying.

Upon unfolding the loose paper she read out loud the words.

“Nor Human, nor immortal shall fail at thy spell, for only those who wish to read need but time, this spell, and a book with an unknown tongue.”

Noelle squeaked and tossed the book as the lettering changed with a burning glow. Panic set in as she realized the carpet almost caught on fire. Stomping out the few sparks that were left behind. She felt the warmth on the book fade out, and all the words were in perfect English. She opened up to the first sticky note labeled 'Unlikely'. Giggling she read the first entry.

[popwasabi]

“End of Evangelion” and the tempting nature of oblivion

(TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Pain, Depression, Mental Health, Death)

“End of Evangelion” is a perplexing movie to say the least.

Not that the original classic anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion” series ends on exactly the most conclusive note itself, but “End” takes everything that transpired in the series and literally destroys it.

The films ends with Earth experiencing the long foreshadowed Third Impact and all of the planet returning to the primordial “soup,” as fans call it, with its main protagonist Shinji Ikari and comrade Asuka Langley Soryu as the only remaining humans left. A pseudo, twisted rebeginning of Adam and Eve’s Genesis.

The film is fairly divisive among the fans to say the least. Some fans consider it a masterpiece for its nihilistic tone and mind-bending illustrations of body horror and others despised it for being too dark and confusing with no clear explanation of anything that happened in the film’s events. Hell, even the movie’s fans have a difficult time explaining what exactly happens in the narrative.

I was somewhat in the middle with it after I watched it the first time not super long ago. It was certainly abstract, and I like plenty of stories that don’t make it easy for me to understand. The animation is definitely the franchise’s best and I enjoyed the character moments between Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. But it was also, as stated before, dreadfully confusing and still to this day hard to makes heads or tails out of with its plot.

But, as with more than a few movies I have revisited this year, 2020 helped me contextualize one aspect I think the story is concretely trying to get across.

(We’ll save discussion of “Rebuild” for another day...)

At my lowest points not long ago, I had this frequent vision that would crawl across my mind.

I imagined being up in the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, but I wasn’t floating or flying. I was plummeting, falling like a bird without wings at a speed that would definitely kill me once I got to the ground. But I never imagined actually hitting the Earth like a meat-bagged, human sized asteroid. I only ever imagined the falling part. The wind reaching a terminal velocity and the air rushing past my body and you know what look I had on my face?

Happiness.

I was confused a bit by why I kept imagining this moribund fall into oblivion over and over again. I wasn’t suicidal, though I certainly have had thoughts of self-harm plenty of times before and general detachment from life. But why the fuck was I so happy? I’m about to die after all!

What I have come to realize in recent years, as I’ve developed a better understanding of my mental health and what makes me tick, it wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as I wanted the freedom that comes moments before it. The feeling of finally letting go and letting fate/gravity do the rest.

Years of my life failing at various aspects of societal expectations and career obligations from not being able to get the girls I wanted to date so badly, relationships ending poorly, not quite applying myself the way I should’ve in college, and working a plethora of unfulfilling jobs since graduation made me yearn for that release. Just that feeling of saying “fuck it all” and giving in to the void.

I wanted to stop feeling out of control. The way the world is structured often feels like you are on a wild, rapid river flowing in one very stark direction but you desperately want to go the other way. You keep fighting and fighting it and realize after a while you are just swimming in place, you tire out and either float where the river wants you to go or you drown. I wanted neither of those things, I just wanted control and unfortunately part of life is accepting that a very large percentage of it is beyond your power to alter.

2020 made this feeling starkly apparent once again as we were hit with a once in a lifetime global pandemic that has killed 2.21 million people and counting. As common people struggle to find ways to handle the loss of loved ones and the fallout from economic instability those tasked with protecting us have more or less ignored the cries of needy. Hell, they’re fucking miffed that we would even have the audacity to ask for $2000 of our own fucking tax dollars to put a band-aid on the situation. Combine this with an extremely volatile two-party system and late stage capitalism, we are about as out of control as ever in terms of how much we actually can course correct our destinies in a period like this.

It is why so many irony-pilled millennials and gen z-ers are posting dank memes about meteors colliding with the earth over the course of the year. We’ve lived through two recessions, two forever wars, and now a pandemic in our lifetimes while paying off our crippling debt with slave wages and yet boomers still wonder why we are near universally depressed as a generation.

(Seriously, everybody needs a fucking therapist right now...and also to dismantle the fucking system that’s making us depressed!)

This is what I feel is the real heart of “End of Evangelion.” The movie is a lot of things, obviously, but, after the events of this year and looking back on the more depressing parts of my life, I feel this film is about the tempting nature of oblivion. Giving up when things are clearly beyond your control so you can get that sweet but twisted, fleeting sense of freedom from it all.

Director Hideaki Anno didn’t feel too entirely different about the state of life when he made this series and certainly by the time he made “End” he was in a very dark place.

So, quick history lesson, “Neon Genesis Evangelion” debuted in 1994 and quickly became a classic among fans of anime and the giant mech vs monster genre. Critics loved it for its exploration of mental health and depression and of course plenty enjoyed the hell out of it for its giant monster/robot escapism as well. Fast forward to the conclusion of the series, critics and fans especially are far more polarized. I won’t try to explain exactly what happens in the ending and frankly I don’t think anyone can, but that confusion led to quite a bit of outcry by the fans.

Hideaki Anno, the series’ director, received tons of hate mail and death threats following the series conclusion. The fans hated how abstract it was, how it had an undecisive ending and chose to dive into the mind of Shinji instead of conclusively describing the events of the Third Impact with plenty going as far as to say he had “ruined” his own series for them. This made him unfortunately quite depressed himself over the ending he felt creatively fairly content with.

(I think it should be clear who Shinji is mostly likely a stand-in for in this anime...)

The fan reaction was toxic to say the least and all too familiar for many creatives who didn’t adequately satisfy the insatiable vapid needs of their fandom. Anno did not take this well to put it lightly. A man who was known as a delinquent in high school and expelled from the Osaka University of Arts much earlier in his life, and dealt plenty with his own bouts of depression, Anno had plenty of his own demons to sort out and quite clearly wanted to explore that mental state in “Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

I’ll be honest and say that I myself was not fond of the ending either when I watched it the first time as a freshman in college, and even went as far as to describe it as everything that was wrong with anime to friends in the years that followed for a while. I felt it was confusing and “fake deep,” existential for no reason other than because it just wanted to and people were “dumb” if they liked it.

When I rewatched it again as a much older adult when it came on Netflix last year, I found it much more fascinating and interesting. A sort of abstract introspective into the mind of a troubled teenager, who I had written off many years prior as a “whiny baby.” Though I wouldn’t say I completely understand it still, I get it much more now and I think it has a lot to say about depression and mental health.

Unfortunately, most fans did not have that reaction back then and as a result Anno made his true conclusion “End of Evangelion” as a response to that negativity.

(You’re welcome, nerds.)

As mentioned before, “End of Evangelion” is an extremely nihilistic film that seems to one up each dark moment as you traverse its spiraling narrative. It’s a film where things never get better. If you go into it blind expecting that big last minute heroic save the day moment, it’s always teased and never comes. Things just end very badly for everyone. Nobody gets a “happy ending.”

While the ending to the original series is strange for sure, it does end on a light note that can be interpreted in a number of different ways but ultimately positive. With the way fans reacted to it Anno decided to write a big “fuck you” to them by, in many ways, smashing his toys so no one could play with them again. He even went as far as to splice in the actual hate mail he received into the movie to quite clearly show to the audience, as their favorite characters met their grissly ends, that this was their fault.

(“Gee, I wonder what that was all about.” ~ a fan walking out of the theater back in 1997.)

In a way though, Anno created something strangely beautiful from that reaction. “End of Evangelion” is about giving up in some ways and accepting our inevitable doom. There are no easy answers, no workable solutions to achieve a happy ending because sometimes in life there isn’t one. Despite last ditch efforts by Misato, Shinji, and the crew of NERV the world still ends through the Third Impact. But tonally it’s not quite pessimistic; it’s actually positive, in a very twisted sense of course.

Set to the song “Komm Susser Tod” by ARIANNE, the film’s apocalypse can almost be described as a celebration. With people “popping” and turning into the primordial soup they all largely have smiles on their faces as they kind of get what they want whether it’s a desire to reunite with loved ones, to be with people they have crushes on, or happiness that they have sought for so long in the embrace of others. Everyone’s depressed! But now they are happy because it’s finally all over, they don’t have to give a shit anymore.

As the planet lights up like a Christmas tree, there are images of suicide and death that rapidly cross the screen in the form of the Angel’s final transformation but again, nobody is truly sad about it. They all have some kind of twisted smile or joy that they get from it. It’s a shocking film, if you’re not already prepared for what’s going to happen, and provocative to say the least.

(Can’t decide if I recommend watching this high or not...)

I had no idea what any of it meant at the time when I watched it several years ago (I watched it well after I had seen the original series), and to be fair there are many ways fans have interpreted what exactly took place in the film and have debated endlessly on its meaning for decades now. But at least in my interpretation, after everything we’ve been through this year, “End of Evangelion” to me is about the sweet release of not giving a fuck anymore.

Whether it’s about Anno feeling that way about his own life or the expectations of his fans or both, the film quite clearly doesn’t care about what people may or may not have wanted for Shinji and the NGE characters and is perfectly fine with the way it all comes “tumbling down.”

(He just wants to be with his boyfriend, guys.)

This past July 4th, city fireworks shows were prohibited in my area because they wanted to limit mass gatherings due to COVID but this didn’t stop people from buying plenty of their own to fire off. In what amounted to a collective “fuck you” to everything and 2020, beginning pretty much exactly at dusk people started firing off their at home lightshows like they were mortar gunners in World War I and did not let up until well past midnight. The entire Southern California night sky was lit up not to unlike the thousands of crosses that filled the screen during the Third Impact of “End of Evangelion” and though it could certainly be interpreted as a moment of people patriotically going “Yea, America!” that night, my head canon was much different. It felt like tens of thousands of people across the region just saying “Fuck it” into the night sky at everything; COVID, our horrendous government, police violence, pending World Wars, environmental disaster, and our collective impending doom from it all.

As these fireworks hit their zenith around 9pm I broke out my phone and started playing “Komm Susser Tod” from the movie and it felt perfect. Everyone just wanted to feel that freedom in the moment, that freedom of not giving a damn anymore. To be removed from expectations, from control, from hatred, from pain and it was kind of beautiful in a sick way.

And that’s what “End of Evangelion” feels like to me now; kind of beautiful in a sick way.

(Not saying the LA skyline looked like this exactly but it felt like it haha...)

There are still many ways to interpret Hideaki Anno’s cult classic, and it’s part of its charm but I think the take away fans should have is definitely not that suicide is ok but that we get it. We understand why people have those feelings and why it feels freeing to desire the void and oblivion. It’s a pity that the series most toxic fans didn’t get that clue through the original finale but Anno, not a person who likes  being shoved around, clearly created perhaps the most twistedly beautiful “fuck you” to that in anime history.

As we enter 2021 all I can say is it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok to desire freedom from the relentless gloom and doom of the world and people’s prying expectations of what they think you “should” be. No one blames you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to survive the apocalypse we have zero control over, so the least we can do is be a bit nicer and considerate of one another. 

At least it’ll make the Third Impact more pleasant whenever it eventually comes...

Happy New Year, everyone! 

Congratulations on surviving 2020! Have fun in 2021...

[fancytrinkets]

Brandy in the Library (Trevelyan/Dorian)

Note: Flirting and friendship features heavily here. Content warning for excessive alcohol use. And if you’ve read it before it’s because I’m repurposing pieces of my recent fic for 30 Days of Dorian. As a courtesy for potential readers, this is probably one to avoid if you don’t want to read about a mage Inquisitor who didn’t support the mage rebellion.

On his way to see Leliana, Trevelyan passes through the library — though it's not much of one yet, stocked only with a handful of books scavenged from Haven. A team of scouts went back three days ago to sift through the rubble. They returned with whatever they could salvage.

Dorian's sitting at one of the library tables, paging through a half-scorched book. He looks up as Trevelyan approaches, and smiles in a way that makes Trevelyan's heart beat faster.

"I see you've found this place," Trevelyan says. "Have you been to the other library?"

"There's another library? Does that one have more than eight books in it?"

"In fact it does. If you're free in two hours, I have a break between meetings when I can show you."

"I have a better idea," Dorian says. "Let's make it later this evening. I hear the tavern's expecting its first shipment of supplies. I'll nick a bottle of something good. You can have a drink with me in this secret library of yours."

That same evening, he finds Dorian waiting for him in the upstairs library with a bottle of Antivan brandy in hand.

The man looks even more attractive than usual, if that's possible. He's clearly taken extra care with his hair and clothing. He's chosen robes with an uneven cut, alluringly designed to reveal the contours of his chest and shoulders. Trevelyan has to force his imagination away from its preferred course — conjuring up vivid imagery of Dorian taking off those robes and climbing into bed with him.

Instead he focuses on the brandy.

"Always a good choice. Shall we get started?"

"Lead the way," Dorian says.

Trevelyan endures a pleasant case of nerves as he takes the stairs to the cellars and unlocks the lower library. He's been looking forward to this all afternoon, and now that the moment is here, he hopes Dorian won't find fault with his choice of venue.

His worries disappear as soon as the door shuts behind them.

"Very interesting," Dorian says. "A mage's library."

He pauses at a shelf near the entryway to have a look at the spines of the nearest books.

"Old, but not ancient," he says. "I wonder who was living here several hundred years ago."

Trevelyan doesn't have answers. While Solas seems familiar with Skyhold, he doesn't speak as freely and generously about it as he does when he's asked about the Fade.

"Hard to believe we found this site just when we needed it most," Trevelyan says.

"Or you were, in fact, chosen by Andraste." Dorian doesn't sound like he's joking.

"I can't rule it out," Trevelyan says. "But I'm not claiming it either."

"Fair enough. Here."

Dorian pours for both of them and hands Trevelyan a glass. The first sip warms his throat delightfully. He takes a seat and Dorian pulls up the other chair, moving it closer to Trevelyan before he sits down.

"Here we are in a southern mage's library," Dorian says. "I think you should tell me what it's like to be a southern mage."

"What would you like to know?"

"About you? Probably everything," Dorian says. "But start with what it was like to learn magic at your Circle."

Trevelyan shares a few stories from his younger days at Ostwick — of learning magic along with his peers, and being cautioned all the time about its dangers. In contrast, Dorian offers some details about his own elite, but tempestuous magical education in Tevinter. The differences in their training are vast, and yet the more they talk, the more Trevelyan appreciates the similarities in how they both turned out.

Openly and without shame, Dorian loves being a mage. It's obvious just from watching him. He loves the way it feels to use magic — and he's exceptionally good at it. Trevelyan knows that feeling also. Not the total lack of shame, of course. But in the months since he's left the Circle, he's grown to love his own magic in a way he never truly did before. The chance to use it fully for a good cause, to push himself to the limits of his capacity, and to see, for the first time in his thirty-five years, what a powerful mage he is — it's an unparalleled experience.

One that Dorian understands.

Trevelyan reaches for the bottle and pours them both another drink. He can feel the warmth in his belly, relaxing him.

Dorian smells good, he thinks. He'd like to hold this man close — press him against the bookshelves and kiss him, perhaps — all the while breathing in deeply to appreciate his scent up close. Trevelyan is far from anything he'd find so embarrassing as being fully aroused by nothing more than conversation and fantasy — he's not a teenager, for Maker's sake. But he is aware of the early stages of that particular reaction, and his close-fitting robes don't help him. He shifts in his chair for better comfort and discretion, and tries to stop the flood of mental imagery from pouring in.

Soon enough, he and Dorian are falling back into the friendly give and take of a conversation in which they don't quite agree.

The topic is templars — more specifically, the need for the power of mages to be held in check by a group of trained professionals with the ability to suppress magic when needed. Trevelyan finds it essential, given Tevinter as the cautionary tale. Dorian finds the south to be an example of a system both poorly designed and horrifically implemented — "hence the mage rebellion, yes?"

"Well, obviously the Circles here need to change drastically," Trevelyan says.

"And yet you were loyal to yours," Dorian points out.

"It's complicated."

"How so?"

Their exchange continues over drinks refreshed a third and fourth time.

Trevelyan replies with some details about Ostwick, but witholds others. He explains it as more lenient than most, without dragging his family into it. He may be keeping things back, but it's mostly because he wants to stay on topic. He likes these conversations.

He's being pushed, yes. But in the process, he's clarifying his thoughts — revising and rethinking them. Sometimes he agrees that he's wrong, or concedes that he's too accustomed to one way of thinking to change it immediately. And Dorian takes as well he gives. He's got a certain arrogance about him, sure, but when they start talking this way, he often yields a point and backs off without rancor when he knows he's mistaken.

It's refreshing and interesting to speak so candidly.

"Alright," Dorian says after the fifth drink has been poured. "If your Circle wasn't abusive towards you, then what about your peers who voted to rebel. What did they want?"

By now Trevelyan's thoughts are feeling nicely fuzzy.

"I don't know," he says. "More from their lives? The chance to move freely, live where they choose, visit families, get married, have children, that sort of thing."

"And that didn't matter to you?"

"I agreed with them. We all deserve those chances if we want them."

"But?" Dorian asks.

"Complacency? I'd begun to accept my life for what it was. A limited one."

Dorian shakes his head, disbelieving. "You don't strike me as complacent at all."

"Oh?" Trevelyan asks. "How do I strike you?"

Dorian smiles, but doesn't answer. At least not at first. He finishes the last of his drink, holds the glass forward, and then watches as Trevelyan pours him another.

"You strike me," he says. "A lot of ways."

"Good ways, I hope."

Dorian tilts his drink until it shines with reflected candlelight. He studies it a moment, then looks at Trevelyan.

"You're not as well-read as some, but more clever than most. Good-natured, though I suspect you have a temper under there somewhere, and that's intriguing," he says.

"Also, you seem to genuinely care about everyone. Including the people you don't like — which I can't even fathom. What sort of forbidden magic granted you that ability? Please tell me so I can avoid it — it looks exhausting!"

Trevelyan laughs. "And here I was expecting insults about southern mages with our backwards ideas."

"Yes, I was getting to that part."

Drinking and laughing with Dorian is a wonderful way to spend the evening. As the haze of intoxication sets in, Trevelyan finds he's happiest to talk about the battles they've won while fighting together.

"Do you know," Dorian says, "how thoroughly I underestimated you when first we met? I thought I'd have to look after you at Redcliffe castle — get you through the ordeal with my superior knowledge and abilities."

"Hah! How altruistic of you."

"Not at all. You were very nice to look at — I considered it a pleasant burden."

"Wow, that's– I'm speechless." Trevelyan can hear the drunken slurring of his words. It only makes him giggle.

Dorian's still lost in the story.

"When you took down that first guard with one hit, I thought, alright, perhaps this one can handle himself. And that was before we stumbled into the large hall full of Venatori."

"Ugh, there were nine of them, I remember."

"Yes, and I didn't like our chances," Dorian says. "But then you said, 'You take those three, I've got the rest,' and I started to think that between the two of us, maybe I wasn't the unbearably arrogant one, after all."

"No, hold on," Trevelyan says. "Did I not get all six of them?"

He knows he did. And he's sure it doesn't count as arrogance if you're actually capable of doing the thing you claim you can. But he thinks he might have that backwards. Thoughts are increasingly difficult to keep hold of.

"You did get all six!" Dorian says, sounding delighted. "I was very impressed."

"Glad I wasn't too much of a burden for you."

"I'm honestly surprised you trusted me. I doubt I would have."

"I didn't," Trevelyan admits. "I was expecting a double cross. But I was desperate enough to risk it."

Dorian grins at him and raises his empty glass.

"Here's to desperation!"

"To being wildly desperate for things," Trevelyan says, and clinks their glasses together.

Dorian tries to drink, only to find nothing left of alcohol.

"Fuck, I'm drunk," he says.

"I'm the same. And I should go to sleep," Trevelyan says. "I have meetings in the morning."

And so the evening ends with friendly words of goodnight and a hazy walk upstairs to his quarters.

.

When Trevelyan wakes in the morning, the sunlight is painful and a headache sets in. On his way to the kitchens to grab a late breakfast, he runs into Dorian doing the same. He looks perfectly groomed, as always, but Trevelyan can see the exhaustion in his eyes.

"Didn't sleep well?"

"No," Dorian says. "And you?"

"Terribly," Trevelyan admits. "But that was fun. We should do it again some time."

"Find a strange old room that frightens other people and go there to get drunk off stolen brandy?"

"Exactly," Trevelyan says.

The hangover is worth it for the way Dorian smiles at him.

[pvremichigan]

You’ll Always Be My Son. [Hell Arc Drabble 6]

The shrieking of demons behind her grew louder the more she ran. Damn it all to hell - ironically - that she was still unable to see them. All she could hear was the rumbling, the clawing and smacking on the pavement behind her. Some even seemed to hop onto the chain fences that lined the sides of people’s yards here and there. The rattling and chaotic noises echoing behind her, the whispers barely human and the screeching only growing closer and closer, as if teasing her demise before retracting and watching her continue to run for her life without pause. The exhaustion was growing, she had been running for far too long. Sometimes the calls would draw her towards certain streets, but she’d have to find a back road knowing damn well these things would be able to cut her off if she had made specific turns. The chase felt like it had lasted a lifetime, which has been a trait Mich has noticed here. Every moment of fear, agony, misery, despair... The time seemed to drag on, turning seconds into minutes. Far more than that phenomenon in real life, it was far slower than the brain could realistically perceive during moments of panic like that. As if this hell was taunting her views on time, such as nothing lasting forever and her having all the time in the world. Hell was truly tearing down her ideals... Not in a humbling way either.

The streets that she had passed were unfamiliar. Despite this resembling her neighborhood vaguely, nothing she saw was connecting. It all seemed the same and different at the same time. As if this was a hallucination, or she was in a state of delirium. Nothing made sense, nothing was recognizable. However, she was at the point where she had to make a choice.

The redhead took a risk, turning one of the corners that she knew would cause her to get cut off by the blood thirsty beasts taunting her every step. The fact that they weren’t visible made things far worse than she thought it would, but her strength in her senses proved to be more helpful in the end. She heard the crash of the wire fence to the side of her. From the impact, it seemed like the demon hopped towards it to propel itself off as it lunged at her. Using this prediction, she lunged the crowbar upwards, hoping to get it right this time.

This exact situation, exact route and running had happened nearly 8 times in a row. Each time resulting in her getting caught and mauled, torn apart piece by piece. Then... She’d have to restart and try all over again. Never once in those attempts did she get her timing and aim right with the crowbar... So this was truly just her hoping at this point. She didn’t know how many more reruns she could go through before she had to give up.

With the resistance of the impalement and the blood dripping onto the pavement, the plan seemed to work. How odd... As soon as the demon started to bleed as it fell to the ground, the other beasts stopped and surrounded it. Mich glanced back to see what was going on, slowing down ignorantly to observe. The beasts, from what it sounded like, were tearing the injured demon apart and feasting. The screams and wails of the wounded one were nearly deafening. When she assumed they were blood thirsty, she was never prepared to realize that it could be any blood.

Pausing, now thinking on it, was a terrible idea. Once they were done with that one, of course they’d be after her again. Only this time, she wouldn’t have the crowbar. And there was no way she was going through it ALL over again.

And yet...

They were finished too early. The beasts cried out, never once did they keep their eyes off of her it seemed, as they caught her off guard and lunged. Sparing the details, every nerve in her body seemed to seer and scream until she appeared... Right on that sidewalk with her crowbar.

And did it all over again, running for her life.

Having impaled the one yet again, Mich didn’t stop to look this time. She kept running down that street, no stopping even for a moment to check. Looking around, it seemed that breaking that loop caused a break in the uncanny aura to the street. The houses grew more and more familiar, discoloration still apparent but less so now than before as she could mentally note exactly whose houses were whose. The call of the soul grew louder the more she ran down the street, practically screaming once she got to the most familiar house of them all.

Her own.

The only moment she paused was to take one good look at the front of it, both figuring if it was a trap or not and also to bask in the moment that she hadn’t recognized her house for a long time... And seeing it for the first time in a while and being able to click in her mind that this was her house, recalling all the details... The warmth of home was there. She could really feel the safety she yearned for there, even if she still was in hell.

No time to spare, the woman stepped up on the very small concrete slab-like porch she spent a lot of time smoking out on, and reached towards the door handle. Opening the front door and stepping in, it really did feel like home, however there was a heavy sadness and emptiness in the air that weighed down the moment she walked in. The couch to her right right underneath the window with the loveseat to the right of that, pressed up against the wall. The staircase immediately to her left as soon as you walk in, with the tv atop the wooden bookshelf right in front of her. The door that leads to the garage and cellar... Right to the right of that. Dining room table to the right of the loveseat. The small kitchen to the right of that. Everything was in order, everything was there. Every little detail recognizable and observed for years. God... This was home. So why was the atmosphere so dreadful? Was this what she’s been feeling for years? What the house had been filling with for so long..? This is what she felt, what she had to endure... The weight was nearly crippling. How was she able to handle this for so long? Looking back, she still lacked an answer that could make sense to her. At least, a good enough answer that wasn’t simply an excuse. Looking out the window, it was pitch black outside. A drastic difference from just moments ago where it was a dreary yet light gray everywhere. Pitch black... And the beasts that had chased her were nowhere to be heard. As if she entered a different dimensional plane simply by entering a door.

After paying mind to the aura of the room, the bright glow of her soul lay right in the middle of the living room. The moment she approached, it disappeared. The frustration grew immensely, the feeling of defeat growing more than before. What was she doing wrong?! Was this a trick!? Why was she not able to reach what she’s needed to for so long now!?!

Her fists clenched as she turned around, frozen at the sight before her.

Her adopted son, Lance... Grown up... With his bags in hand and backpack over his shoulder, hand on the front door. She remembers now... Those same tears, more guilt fueled than anything, began to build. Though her heart didn’t sink, it throbbed. Painfully... But there was no dread.

The day he left... She had already been sinking to her lowest. She barely said a thing other than ‘Take care.’

To her own son... She can’t even give a proper goodbye.

Seeing what happened prior to this with Ryan, she had a feeling she knew what she had to do.

“... You did always wonder if I was mad you wanted to be human. I acted poorly, Lance... I was barely there for you, I was there even less after Ryan had vanished. Your energy gave me so much joy, despite I never showed it. Oh honey... I was never mad. I just... Didn’t express my sadness and acceptance well enough. You always loved hanging out with the other kids, you always wanted to go to school. You wanted to live. I was teaching you how to survive.”

The boy that stood in front of the door barely moved, but she could tell that - despite it not being him unsurprisingly - he was listening. These obstacles that she had to face... It was never physical because she held very little physical burdens. These problems were always mental and emotional. Facing them like she is now... It was the only way to heal at this point. Unresolved business, problems she avoided facing from the start... It was killing her just as quick as not having a soul.

“I want you to know, I was never mad at you. I supported you then even if it didn’t seem like it. I love you dearly, even if this is the last time I remember you. You were my pride and joy, Lance. My capital. You were what I had when I had nothing. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there. I’m sorry I missed out on so much... I feel like I barely got to see you grow as a person. I’ve missed so much in your life and I want you to know that you’ve grown up to be a wonderful man. You’ve grown up... I see it now. I see you now. I... Know there’s distance in every single way between us. I’m sorry you never had a father figure, I’m...”

And just as predicted, the tears fell. The guilt that fueled them was accompanied by the love she has for this boy, the love a mother has for her child. These tears... Were far less painful. They were a comfort she’s felt before. Just recently... She’s felt this type of love with another. Jack... Someone she can be better to, someone she can be there for when she never was for Lance.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better mother. You had so much potential and it hurt to let you go, but I want to tell you that I’m.... So... So proud of you. So very proud. You’ve done so much... You’ve accomplished your BIGGEST dream. Lance, I know you’ll never hear this, but feel it in your heart if you ever can that I love you and I’m proud of you. You’ll ALWAYS be my son, even if we don’t know each other. You’ll always be my son...”

Mich walks forward, the warmth of home and the tenderness of having her son there with her, despite him never facing her... Only facing the door... She felt far safer in here than she ever had. Even in hell... She still had the compassion in her heart to weep with joy and guilt for her son. Hell can’t be her downfall, she has too much within her to drag her down to the pits. There’s always a fight in her heart, she’s always ready to fight for her life and then some.

The proud woman reaches a hand out, resting it gently upon her ‘sons’ shoulder.

“Guess this is our last goodbye too. I never got to say goodbye to you... I never got to say any of this to you. So here I am. Not because I have to... But because I’ve had it in my heart this entire time and only now am I able to relay the message. I love you, Lance. I hope your new family loves you just as much if not more than I did. I hope your dreams never die out. I hope the world someday knows your name. If I can’t remember it... The world has to. I will let no one let your name die out with history. Go make a difference... Go change the world if you need to. Go have fun and please... Please enjoy your life. I’m so proud of you...”

“You’ll always be my son.”

The figure took a moment after she stopped, the silence lingering a moment too long as the heartbreak began to crack in again. After the extended silence, he hung his head not in disappointment, but it seemed to be in preparation for the world. Turning the door handle, there was a nearly blinding light that flooded the room the more it opened. Without looking back, the boy walked forward into the light and didn’t stop, shutting the door behind him. The light that had flooded the room was dragged out, leaving Mich in an uncomfortably dull and dim lit living room. The weight... Still remained. What a suffocating atmosphere... She could feel old habits itch at her, her feet heavy as she dragged herself over to the couch. The soul had disappeared yet again, Ryan was gone, and now Lance was gone for good. Hunched over, she put her hands against her face and wept silently to herself. This... Really did last hours this time. After all of this pain and fear and those obstacle ridden streets... She took a moment of apparent safety and calm to weep. Really let it out as if it were like taking a breather after a long run. She needed this...

She needed this.

Hours passed, there was only a brief period during the end where she was able to sit in silence and breathe. The silence was abruptly interrupted by a knock at the door. She didn’t trust it. It froze her in fear and anticipation, eyes locked on the door as her breathing slowed, barely blinking. The knock came again, but softer this time. There was no way she could trust this... But after a soft yet firmer third time, she realized that if she opened the door and got mauled, when she woke up she just... Wouldn’t answer the door again. Mich was exhausted, she was now resorting to reckless experiment.

Standing up, though hesitation slowing her down, the woman made her way to the door. Gripping the handle tightly, there was yet another instance of hesitation before she finally worked up the courage and let the door slowly open. Before her... Was a glowing essence.

Her soul...

She didn’t trust it this time, looking around to see if there was yet another emotional or mental obstacle. There was nothing in sight... Which caused her to grow skeptical of this situation. This could easily be fake, a trap... But those thoughts washed away like dirt once she felt and heard the call. The weight of the atmosphere in the room had blocked it out. But now... Her tear stained eyes had no more tears left to give.

Kneeling down, she very slowly reached her hand out to the essence. She was... Able to feel it. It felt so familiar, more recognizable and familiar than anything she had pieced together in hell. The thing she could recognize the most...

Herself.

Within a moment of feeling her soul, the light wrapped around her arm, sinking into her body with an intense wave of energy that had felt very overwhelming internally.

Mich’s eyes widen at the realization. There was no weight... This felt so... Different but as if nothing changed all at once. She felt like herself. For the first time in three years, she felt like herself. She felt everything she lost, there was so much going on that she couldn’t explain or pinpoint or anything. It was just... Her.

She was back.

A genuine smile grew on her lips, a shaky exhale before that smile was wiped away quickly. The tears fell yet again, but these tears differed from all the rest she had shed in this realm. Relief... Relief, accomplishment, success, joy, victory... Her hands began to shake as the overwhelming energy really took over.

This joy only lasted for moments as she stood on her porch, as she now glanced around at her surroundings. Things were all too familiar, but even worse... What she saw was something she wished she was still unable to see.

They were visible.

Well...

“It’s time to leave.”

All the energy she had thought she lost pushed itself into her nerves as she dashed off her porch and began her run. She ran for her life as these discolored fleshy beasts, all different shapes and sizes and forms, chased after her in animalistic ways. Time felt like it ran in slow motion though this time... It really didn’t. She was running now, but this time she was running for the exit. Where it was? Well... That’s the hard part. However... Her soul gave another calling. Perhaps this was towards the end... And hopefully it was tracking what Carter had set up. She just prays it’s ready.

For now... She’s running like she’s NEVER run before.

[shinjukuspiritcommittee]

Bullied

Into the Corner

~You couldn’t sleep. It was past midnight and you had finished your schoolwork but couldn’t get to sleep. Your encounter earlier shook you up a bit. Now while in App Battles you were credited at being one of the better users there are but without the App… you were a regular student. Regardless of how much value people would put on you, those who had no knowledge of the app made you the target of their ridicule. It was waning on your conscience you had a night terror that outside of the app you had nothing much like those bullies made you believe. You didn’t want to go to sleep tonight. It sucks…

~You caught yourself tearing up that you had to force yourself to push those thoughts aside. Maybe some air can help so you rushed out and sat just outside the dorms. It was a quiet night with the moon shining down giving the school a nice luminescence. A deep sigh of the brisk night air calmed your nerves a little but your mind would still wander to their taunts and threats.

With Shiro

~“This is unexpected.” Shiro said as he stepped outside to your side. You were surprised and asked what he was doing out here so late. “Funny, I could ask the same of you.” Your strategist replied. “It’s not like you to go for a walk this late in the evening. Normally because you can’t make a pass at anyone this late…” You laughed and asked him not to tease you so casually. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But seeing you like this you looked as though you could use a good laugh and someone to talk to.” You did your best to try and say that nothing was wrong. You claim you just wanted some air.

~“Then why do you look so down on yourself?” Huh? “I saw you leave your room and you looked… lonely.” So he was watching you. “Not just then, but also… you’ve been acting weird the past few days. You’ve barely been paying attention during our meetings, you’ve been spending a lot of free time alone, and to top it off you’ve been avoiding us. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it ever since I noticed.” You remained silent, the words unable to surface. You asked Shiro if he could keep a secret since you didn’t want to lie and knew that even trying to would result in Shiro just calling you out. “Of course. You can trust me with anything.”

~… You had finished explaining what was on your mind to Shiro. Honestly you were ashamed of having these feelings since you know so many rely on you but it couldn’t be helped- “Don’t apologize.” Almost immediately Shiro pulled you into an embrace. Taken off guard you let out a gasp of confusion. You didn’t quite get why but it definitely felt nice to be held like this… “I know you can’t bear all of this alone. I didn’t think you would even try… but, I’m happy you confessed to me. Just please don’t ever think that you’re alone. I’ll always be here for you to lend an ear and help however I can. You can always depend on me.” You didn’t have any words for Shiro. Instead you could just feel the tears falling down your face as you finally hugged him back and whimpered into his blazer. You spent the rest of that evening with the company of Shiro as the two of you devised a plan to properly confront the bullies and have the situation dealt with.

With Kengo

~“There you are, Partner!” Kengo said as he approached you with a big grin on his face. “Haven’t been out on a night like this in a while, yeah?” You admitted that you have been slacking in the extensive training department, but quickly tried to use schoolwork as a lame excuse for your lack of motivation. “I wouldn’t worry too much about all that, the training is totally more important.” But what good is training if you’ll get stuck in detention when you need to be battling the most. “Ah-!” It seems you found the flaw with his method.

~“W-Well what about you!? What about tonight makes it so special to finally come out- uh I mean…!” So he noticed. “...course I noticed…” Kengo whispered. You fell silent due to your embarrassment for being called out like this. “First you stop going to the meet ups, then you stop staying out and training. And just recently you’ve been avoiding us during the day.” You described it as just complicated. “Well, what the hell’s got you so worked up!? Just tell us already!” Frustrated you snapped back that you couldn’t. “Why the hell not!?” Because it’s embarrassing! Kengo was shocked at your frustration and taken aback by your tears.

~You took a deep breath and explained to him what’s been on your mind lately. “Y-Y-Y…” Kengo seemed like he didn’t know what to say as he was too shocked. “YOU COMPLETE IDIOT!” He roughly grabbed you by the collar and you were hoisted up off your feet. You panicked at being carried so suddenly but when you see his face close up you can see he’s very poorly holding back tears. “You’re a complete dumbass. Why didn’t you just knock the daylight’s out of them? Why didn’t you do something!? Why…” Kengo’s tears finally began to fall. “Why didn’t you just tell us? I woulda clocked em out so hard…” You put your hands over Kengo’s and he managed to set you down. You continued to hold Kengo’s hands in yours. You apologized for being an unreliable partner and promised him you’d look to him more for help. But… maybe save the skull bashing for later.

With Ryota

~“Mmm…?” You let out a reply of surprise and asked why Ryota was up at such an hour. “I… heard someone leave their room and…” He seems to have woken up on accident since he still seemed quite groggy. You apologized and asked Ryota to go back to bed since it was pretty late. “But… what about you?” You told Ryota that you’d go to bed soon, but you needed some air. “Then… I need some air too.” He seemed to snap to attention and immediately jumped to your side. You didn’t mind but you were worried for him not getting enough rest. “It’ll be okay. I’ve got you with me, right?” Right…

~You felt a bit guilty being unable to speak to Ryota. The two of you spent some time in absolute silence that it started getting a little weird. Awkwardly you attempted to speak up, but when you did he attempted too as well. The two of you properly apologized and went back to being silent for another few seconds before you finally offered him to go first. “Uh, right…” Ryota gulped and looked straight at you. “Why… have you been avoiding us lately?” Huh? “You… don’t go to meetings anymore, in class you’re barely focused, and during lunch you go hide by yourself.” You tried to explain it wasn’t like that. “Then why? Even now you’re not even looking right at me!” Your friend asked desperately. Getting right to the heart of it…

~“Wha-!?” Ryota gasped as you explained what you’ve been subjected to the past few weeks. You honestly just didn’t want the others to worry about you. “Y-You…” He stammered out. “Why? Why couldn’t you just tell us?” Tears started welling in your eyes and his. “Why don’t you trust us? Why don’t you trust me?” He cried. You asked Ryota to not cry with tears falling on your face as well. You pulled Ryota in close and rubbed his back as the two of you cried. You apologized to Ryota and that you didn’t mean to hurt him. “I… I just want to help.” He replied. “But I can’t if you don’t tell me.” You and Ryota spent the rest of the night together talking and comforting one another.

With Toji

~“And where do you think you’re running off to?” Toji asked briskly as he approached you from the shadows. You let out a small gasp but immediately calmed down when he emerged from the shadows. You let him know he nearly scared you to death. “Don’t be ridiculous. You would have only fainted for just a moment.” He said quite sternly. “So, what are you planning on doing since it is past curfew after all?” You just said you needed some air since tonight seemed like a good night. “I see. In that case I’ll accompany you.” You asked him why. “Because it’s my duty to make sure you stay out of trouble. I can’t have you running off on your own and causing more trouble than necessary.” Regardless of your insistence that you weren’t going to cause mischief Toji still tagged along anyway.

~You and Toji didn’t say much to one another. It wasn’t that surprising to you since Toji wasn’t typically known for idle chatter, however he took notice of your behavior. “Is everything alright?” He asked bluntly. You said everything was all good and what would inspire such a question. “So that’s the way you want to handle it, then.” You and Toji resumed your shared silence. The night was definitely a good one to be out and despite his usual complaints Toji was good company on calm days like today. You were feeling a little guilty that your friend was spending all this time with you and you were being obstinate. So you apologized to him…

~and explained what’s been going on. Making sure to emphasize that you didn’t mean to isolate yourself from the others, but rather you didn’t want these issues to be a burden. “I thank you for the consideration but if I may…” Toji hesitated for a moment before gathering the courage he needed to say what he felt he needed to. “You’re acting like a brat. ‘Not wanting to be a burden’? Someone like you has no right saying that.” That caught you off guard. “You’re constantly butting into everyone else’s affairs but suddenly you can’t be bothered to speak up when your own feelings are on the line. Do you not see the hypocrisy in that?” Toji continued to give a rather emotionally driven lecture to you, leaving you feeling like an idiot and admittedly well on the verge of tears. When he realized that he may have gone too far with his words, Toji comforted you and remained by your side until you went back to your dorm for rest.

[ticktockmyclockworkhart]

Schools teach Shakespeare poorly and here’s why

Honestly it gets on my nerves how the school system handles Shakespeare, and it’s because of its poor handling of Shakespeare that so many people hate his plays and view them as boring or uninteresting.

I’ve acted in Shakespeare plays for about six years now and after spending just one unit in school on Romeo and Juliet, the reason why people hate Shakespeare becomes so much more understandable. I learned Shakespeare’s plays, his rhyming scheme and scansion through putting on productions of the shows, and that’s how Shakespeare should be taught.

Shakespeare’s works aren’t meant to be read by anyone other than the actors putting on the show. It isn’t supposed to be enjoyed like that. Shakespeare is at its best when it’s being watched or it’s being performed. His plays are scripts for a reason. Scripts are the groundwork for a performance and when schools assign endless reading of his plays, they essentially feed their students the bare bones of Shakespeare.

Acting is what makes the show come alive. In my most recent production, I remember cold-reading Love’s Labors Lost and being so confused about the story and how this could ever be considered a comedy. By performance day, we were up onstage loving every bit of the story, and the audience, who knew as much as the cast had on our first day with the scripts, was laughing at the jokes we initially didn’t get the first time. Acting is what conveys Shakespearean text and the witty lines that are much harder to understand today, but the actor’s choices onstage (be it actions, tone of voice or movement) are there to explain it all.

Shakespeare is at its most relatable and enjoyable when it’s being performed, and that was how things were always intended to be. Making students read these scripts as if they were textbooks is a one-way fast track to making a class confused, frustrated, and hating these plays. 

TLDR: Shakespeare and acting are inseparable, and schools need to stop ignoring that fact if they want their students to actually care about these plays.

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 10: Silent Night

This show is taking over my life and I’m not even mad.

Spoilers ahead.

0:28 - This whole scene. Malcolm’s eyes. Holy crap. He looks sad, tired, scared. It utterly breaks my heart.

0:48 -  This is Malcolm descending into a panic attack. :( ALSO though - we have confirmation that Ainsley used the clip of her father screaming about how he was a good father. Did Ainsley also use the clip of her listing her brother’s diagnoses? Because honestly, that would be a terrible sister move. I can’t see Malcolm wanting people to know about his diagnoses unless he really trusts them. Is that why Malcolm’s having the beginnings of a panic attack right now? Because he’s realizing that everyone knows. Or is it simply the fact that his father is triggering bad memories for him? Or is it a combo platter?

1:00 - ICONIC. You know this is hilarious and totally in character for Jessica. BUT I think she threw her shoe because she saw Malcolm panicking and she knew that throwing her shoe would shock him out of a full-blown panic attack. I think that if he wasn’t panicking she would’ve just screamed at him and turned off the TV. 

1:20 - Look at how sad Jessica is here. She isn’t upset that her son isn’t normal or that she’s not getting grandchildren anytime soon. She’s upset that her son isn’t happy and that he’s suffering. She blames herself for it. We saw that in 1x7. 

1:40 - This little conversation between Malcolm and Jessica is really cool. They’re both trying to comfort each other and they’re both concerned for each other. 

2:24 - Reason #1214 (yes- I pulled that number out of thin air) that Malcolm needs some sleep. Or some time off. Or some peace. -- The boy didn’t notice that it was Christmas Eve. I don’t care if you don’t celebrate Christmas - the Christmas season has become a massive corporate holiday. It’s almost impossible to ignore. Between the commercials, decorations, sales, music ... how can you not notice?

2:51 - I adore this moment. Look at how happy Malcolm his watching the children run around happily. I’m telling you we need a scene where bright has to hang out with a little kid. It would be cute. Also - Gil. That look that Gil initially gives Malcolm is a look of pure love. He’s happy to see Malcolm smiling. He’s happy to see Malcolm on a holiday. He’s happy to see Malcolm on Christmas Day. 

3:35 - Personal disclaimer. I immediately hate Colette Swanson. Simply because Malcolm hates her and Malcolm finds it in him to have compassion for murderers. Therefore - this woman must truly suck. 

3:38 - Malcolm looks crushed when he finds out Colette is in charge. Gil is enjoying teasing Malcolm. It’s cute. I like it. 

4:05 - Ok. So 1) Malcolm has gone full-blown manic again. Check out the way he just greeted JT. and 2) I looked it up. Kringle is a Scandinavian pastry. So does this mean that Tally’s family has Scandinavian roots? Or JT does and his wife makes it for him? I need to know. 

4:13 - Dani looks concerned when she asks if Malcolm has seen Ainsley’s interview. This makes me think that Ainsley probably did include the clip where she lists Malcolm’s diagnoses. This makes me sad. It also makes me lose some respect for Ainsley. 

4:37 - How well did Gil know Turner? Gil looks really sad here. Is it sadness because he and Turner were friends? Or just the general sadness that comes over you when you realize that someone you knew died and it makes you remember how fleeting life is?

4:55 - I love how that subtle shot at Malcolm went totally above his head. 

5:19 - Where’s Edrisa? We isn’t the medical crew there? 

5:34 - When Malcolm takes the gun Gil looks a little alarmed and concerned. Then he shares a look with JT. JT looks concerned too. Actually this whole scene - as Bright gestures with the gun the camera keeps cutting to Gil and/or JT and Dani who have matching looks of concern on their faces. 

6:20 - And this is what they were afraid of. The manic idiot, who is clearly not doing well right now, just put a gun to his head. I love how Gil reacts. It’s the same way an angry parent would talk to a misbehaving child. 

6:32 - How much do you want to bet that Gil continued that conversation later. Malcolm’s passive suicidality is really getting out of hand. 

7:28 - This is great. “Sounds like you.” It’s true though. Since his wife died I’m sure Gil threw his whole life into his work. Now he just works or worries about the team. He seems to know it too. The warning look he gives Dani is a look that says “not the time” not “you’re wrong and I’m annoyed at your sass”.

7:50 - Okay. Colette is a b**ch to Bright. Right off the bat. What happened between them?!? Seriously? This is not professional behaviour. This is straight up harassment. The team does Not Look Happy with the way she’s talking to Bright. All three of them look some mixture of annoyed, confused, and concerned. 

8:21 - This whole scene is painful to watch. Colette being more of a b**ch to Malcolm and Malcolm acting like an excited puppy who desperately wants to help. BUT at 8:21 the look JT gives Colette before he walks away. hahahaha I’ve never noticed it before. He’s like “Not my circus, not my monkeys. This woman is cray cray. I’m out.”

8:45 - Love the parallel between 1x5 when Malcolm asks about how Dani knows Estime and here when Dani asks about how Malcolm knows Colette. Also look at Malcolm’s face when he responds. He looks dead inside. I don’t think we’ve ever seen him look at anyone with cold, detached, hatred before. What did this woman do to him?!?

8:50 - Malcolm looks upset here. The way he looks at the ground. Huh. Is Colette just another one of Malcolm’s bullies?

8:58 - I hate how condescending Colette is to everyone in this scene. I love how Dani looks at Gil for guidance on how to respond. Gil looks so mad he’s even refusing to make eye contact with Colette more than strictly necessary. If this woman wasn’t FBI, just a regular member of the NYPD, I swear Gil would lose it on her. 

9:10 - Dani looks so upset that Gil is making her work with Colette. AND look at that little warning look Gil gives Malcolm when he says “you’re with me” AND look at that smile that Gil gave Colette before he walked out. hahaha that was not a kind smile. Gil is my hero. 

9:26 - Honestly I hate this woman more than I hate Martin. Look at how poorly she makes Malcolm feel. Look at how condescending and rude she is to everyone. IS THIS THE UMBRIDGE OF THE PRODIGAL SON FANDOM?!? Because honestly, if she turns out to be a victim in a future episode I won’t even be mad if the plot doesn’t make sense.

9:34 - so Malcolm has a desk again? Or he’s forced to work at his desk because the case board room has been overtaken by the FBI? Either way - Gil looking at Malcolm with concern and sympathy is fuelling my soul. 

9:40 - Ok so two things. 1) Has anyone else noticed that Malcolm only has ONE (1) watch. A brown leather watch. It doesn’t look like a super fancy, expensive watch either. This seems strange for a rich dude (they usually have a lot of watches or at least a fancy Rolex that they show off). I know that doesn’t fit with Malcolm’s personality but the fact that he only wears the one watch makes me headcanon that it was a gift from Gil and Jackie. Maybe when he graduated college or something? THING 2) Is Malcolm avoiding Ainsley’s call because he’s pissed with her about the interview or because he’s got too much going on right now and he can’t handle a drama call from the family?

9:46 - Does Ainsley seriously not feel bad about that interview? I mean she’s asking her brother for a favour right after stabbing him in the back. 

10:21 - Shaky hand, scared eyes. This isn’t good. 

10:38 - Detective Shannon is a dick. I mean. Even if Malcolm was an accomplice to his Dad’s murders - you just don’t talk to a kid like that. Especially if that kid is showing signs of emotional distress like baby Malcolm is in the flashback. The shaking, slight rocking of the body, eyes screwed shut, shaky voice. Poor little guy is terrified. 

11:15 - This suggests that Gil knows about how Shannon treated Bright. How did Gil find out? Recently or when it was happening? What did Gil do/say to Shannon when he found out? Does Jessica know? Is this why Malcolm went mute? Or did this happen after Malcolm started talking again?

 11:31 - Okay so protective/concerned Gil warms my heart. You all know this by now. But look at the moment after Shannon calls Gil “lucky boy”. Gil looks positively furious and Malcolm looks scared. Almost like Shannon’s voice is sending him into a C-PTSD flashback. BUT once Malcolm snaps out of his fear he looks angry and suspicious. 

13:20 - Gil’s quiet warning is awesome. You can tell that he’s not mad at Malcolm. He thinks Malcolm’s little speech is justified. He’s afraid of what this gun toting lunatic might do to Bright if provoked. 

13:34 - This is one of my absolute favourite moments in the show’s history. Look at the way Gil jumps in front of Malcolm and holds Shannon back. That’s partially the cop in him doing his job BUT that’s also a man furious that someone would have the nerve to try and hurt his son.

13:51 - and now Malcolm looks manic again. Gil still looks pissed. 

14:38 - Gil’s taking this case personally. Makes sense, even if he didn’t know Ian Turner very well. Gil is a good man who has a very strong moral code. He’s a protector. It makes sense that he would be pissed that an extremely good man was murdered for no good reason. 

15:25 - Dani, you are my queen. Tell that b**ch that’s she’s out of line. You go girl.

16:00 - Oh no. Dani is questioning Malcolm. Colette is getting into her head. 

16:37 - Okay. It’s Christmas Day. Jessica is supposed to be at home ordering people around to prepare for Christmas dinner. But instead she is at the precinct because Ainsley’s interview is causing her a lot of pain. She’s haunted by the Surgeon and Ainsley’s decided to air out the family issues to the public - thereby giving Jessica no where to hide from her pain. Also - LOVE the way Gil walks in to the room. He knows Jessica is going to come to him with a slightly manic, half-baked plan and/or theory. He’s stressed. He’s in a bad mood. He’s worried about Malcolm and he can’t handle another manic Whitly right now. 

17:20 - Gil doesn’t act surprised that Martin chloroformed Malcolm. When did Gil find out? I would’ve payed good money to see that. Also - how selfless is this dude? He’s clearly an emotional mess right now but he stops everything to try and comfort Jessica. He can’t help but be concerned about her. There are sparks here. Check out the way he holds her hands. Check out the soft look that he gives her.

18:25 - All I’m going to say is that when it comes to Malcolm and Jessica - the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

19:35 - JT talked to Dani about Malcolm’s date. He was so concerned about Malcolm that he called Dani because he knows they’re close. Do you think they told Gil?!? Or did Malcolm tell Gil?! Gil has to know. Right? 

19:50 - Malcolm, sweetheart. No. Honey, you’re not broken. Look how sad Dani is. She wants to help him. She can see how deep his depression is. This is honestly so concerning. When someone says something like this, sincerely, with that much pain in their eyes - just take them to see a doctor or just have someone stay with them. Please. They need supervision. They might be a danger to themselves. 

20:02 - Ever notice how a lock of Malcolm’s hair falls into his face when his mental and/or physical state starts to get seriously unhinged.

20:46 - Oh. My. Goodness. That Christmas ornament is precious. Look at how happy and cute baby Malcolm and baby Ainsley are. 

21:15 - This is such a good conversation. Usually Jessica is overprotective, overbearing, and somewhat controlling when it comes to her children. However, Jess is totally justified in what she says to Ainsley here. It frustrates me that Ainsley is so upset about it. Ainsley really can’t see how her ambition is destroying her relationship with her family. She can’t see that the actions she’s taking to further her career are at the expense of the mental well-being of her mother and brother. 

21:45 - “You’re playing the victim.” Ouch. That was a low-blow Ainsley. It’s not true either. Your Mom is traumatized. To an extent your mother and brother are victims of the Surgeon. You are too. Your mother just wants some peace and privacy. That’s not unreasonable.

22:50 - Yikes. Has Shannon been following Malcolm? Look how scared Malcolm is. He’s so much more terrified of Shannon now that Gil isn’t with him. You know how we can be sure that Malcolm is a good person? He actually looks sympathetic towards Shannon. Upset for Shannon.  ALSO quick side note - is Malcolm holding a pie? Did he buy a pie to bring to the family Christmas dinner? Why is that making my heart melt?

25:03 - Pissed Gil is such a mood. 

26:24 - Anyone else find it concerning that Malcolm is so desperate to catch the Junkyard Killer and to get answers about that camping trip that he is willing to get in a car and go to a random garage with the ex-detective who traumatized him? Also - they have surveillance pictures of baby Malcolm? Isn’t that illegal? I didn’t think you could photograph minors like that?

28:15 - Shannon just won over Malcolm. Look at that sadness and compassion in Malcolm’s eyes. Dang. That’s kind of sweet? Shannon’s still a dick though.

29:25 - Sometimes when Malcolm starts being sincere, soft, and supportive - I swear I’m watching him channel Gil. 

30:02 - Anyone else think it’s weird that they left the car running outside with the headlights on? Just me? Ok. Carry on.

30:11 - How poetic that John Watkins is near the end of the list, alphabetically speaking, so it’s one of the last names they check.

30:50 - Malcolm looks downright terrified when Shannon shows him his gun. 

31:35 - haha Gil is so exhausted here. Look at him when Bright hangs up. Gil’s like, “Of course. What did I expect? I can’t control this man-child. Please remind me why I love him before I do something I regret.”

31:50 - This is Granny immediately strikes me as really weird. Like more than just regular nutty old-lady weird. 

33:10 - Look how uncomfortable Malcolm looks around Matilda. He’s interested in John’s childhood and he’s still working the case but he’s clearly freaked out by Granny over here. 

34:39 - Malcolm’s eyes are looking hella manic again.

34:50 - OMG. hahaha Malcolm looks horrified when Matilda pours that gravy stuff on his food. I’m shocked that he didn’t puke. 

36:00 - This photo album is...wow. Really increases the creepy factor of this case. 

38:45 - This conversation between Colette and Gil is awesome. Gil is scared. He’s trying to protect Bright but he’s also knows that he needs help. Dani and JT look scared. 

39:27 - OMG. I didn’t like Shannon but he didn’t deserve that. 

39:48 - So Matilda is kind of a serial killer too. Right? She knew her grandson was a murder and she helped him. She condoned it. She’s as bad as he is. 

40:45 - Oh Jessica is desperate. She’s totally throwing Gil under the bus here. She wouldn’t do that unless she was desperate. 

41:25 - Dani and Gil look terrified. OMG. My heart is breaking. 

42:20 - Malcolm has that knife right in front of his mother’s townhouse. So I guess Martin was lying in 1x7 when he said they bought it off the turnpike in New Jersey during their camping trip. 

So...things are getting scary for Malcolm. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. 

[dyaz-stories]

Hi, recently read inuyasha and I was wondering, why does kikyo say inuyasha's life is hers despite knowing what naraku did? He was a victim too, and it was their MUTUAL distrust that led to that. I don't even remember seeing inuyasha hurt her, and she died due to her injuries and he didn't cuz he's half-human. I mean, the guy was already sad, she just made it worse. She never really says anything like 'my distrust caused this' either. She seems like a shitty person, yet gets glorified constantly

Hey anon! Apologies for being late to get to this, I’ve been pretty busy with the Inuvember going on and, well, real life, but here I am now! Putting my answer under the cut and tagging this as anti-Kikyo because I don’t want people to read it unless they want to, but as always, I’m not trying to be an anti or bash her :)

So, I completely get where you’re coming from with that. I addressed issues around Kikyo’s characterization in my The Biggest Problem with Kikyou piece, and the thing is, this is 100% a problem with characterization in my opinion. To quote it:

[Something that is often overlooked during their first interaction is] that Kikyou hears Kagome telling her that Inuyasha isn’t guilty, that she chooses to ignore her, and that it is only after having failed that she goes to see Kaede, to ask her what Kagome was talking about, meaning that she had paid attention to what Kagome was saying and couldn’t be bothered to look into it at the moment.

This point and the one you bring up show pretty similar characterization, if you ask me. One of the things about Kikyo is that... sometimes she doesn’t give a fuck. That’s why I have a problem with people who seem to assume that ““Kikyo hate”“ is unwarranted and basically just raging Inukag fangirls who can’t accept her existence. Yeah, I dislike Kikyo. I think she’s the most poorly written character in the manga, and I think she’s a shitty person.

I’m not saying I don’t understand where Kikyo’s coming from. She’s mad at Inuyasha during that passage, and being mad at Inuyasha is the easy way out for her. They’ll just go to hell together because she thinks he’s reponsible for her death and that’ll be it. She won’t have to work to get revenge, it’ll all just be done.

That’s understandable, I’m not saying it isn’t. However. Just because something is understandable doesn’t mean it’s right. I’m guessing different people will view it differently, but if you ask me? Well if you ask me it’s bad. She’s condemning an innocent person just because she can’t be bothered to look for the real culprit. That’s shitty. But maybe for others that’s enough of a reason (I hope I don’t sound judgy, I really don’t mean to be, different things get different perceptions and that’s perfectly fine).

To get back specifically to your question, I discussed what it means for Inuyasha in The Wrong Tragedy, and again, this is a characterization problem for Kikyo. Yes Kikyo said that:

She’s using Naraku’s narrative, as he told Inuyasha that Kikyo ‘died for him’ which, as a reminder, isn’t exactly confirmed in canon. So she’s acting like Inuyasha owes her something, because she died “after him”. Only, she didn’t kill Inuyasha. She sealed him, and Kaede even says that the seal was supposed to last for eternity. If she wasn’t deadly wounded, which, it is my understanding that she was,

she could have healed from her injuries (without using the Jewel), and then unsealed him. I’m not saying it would have been easy but they could have worked things out. If she had the choice to do that and didn’t, that meant she thought they were irreconciliable and that she had zero trust in him.

Her hugging Inuyasha right before that moment is actually one of the most disgusting thing she does in my opinion. Like I’ve seen it being shared as an Inukik moment and it’s something that actively infuriates me. Inuyasha just almost died and was badly injured because she gave the Jewel to Naraku, and she has the nerve to say she didn’t want him to die? (also she would have let him die just a couple chapters earlier but you know, whatever at this point)

I’ve said before that I feel there is a shift in the manga when the story starts ‘bending’ around Kikyo to accomodate the narrative that she has done nothing wrong. Do understand, I’m not saying she did nothing wrong. The problem is how it’s handled. The manga does not recognize nor address the shit she did. She doesn’t even have a redemption arc. She’s just magically redeemed at some point. I’m not sure if the shift occurs there or if it’s during the whole ‘Inuyasha picked Kikyo’ debacle, so I can’t tell if this is characterizing her as horribly manipulative, though really, she already was, or if this is supposed to be taken seriously.

So I can’t tell you if she is supposed to come off as horrible, or if we’re supposed to think that it’s part of her tragedy to want Inuyasha, an innocent person, to die with her :) (do I sound salty? I might be a little salty)

The issue you bring up about her not taking responsibility for the whole disaster is super interesting! I’ve discussed her not taking responsibility for plenty of other stuff, but I don’t think I had particularly considered that one, when it’s actually an extremely important one?

In terms of characterization, I mentioned recently that I read her as being incredibly self-righteous, and that comes from her never taking responsibility for anything. I don’t think she believes she’s in the wrong. She probably always has an explanation that’s for ‘the greater good’, like what she fed Inuyasha after trying to kill Kagome.

And you know what the saddest part is? The saddest part is that Inuyasha ends up believing her. He’s so terrified that he’ll lose her again (post-death Inukik relationship is not about mourning, it’s literally about him doing shit because he’s scared she’ll die again until she finally dies, at which point only he starts to mourn) that he’s willing to die with her to appease her and to let go of his relationship with Kagome.

And Kikyo is fine with all of that. In comparison, you have Kagome, who says “I love you and I want to be by your side no matter what”.

I’m not saying Kikyo isn’t complex, though I do think her characterization stops making sense at some point. I’m saying that that complexity doesn’t make up for what she did. So, yeah, I think she’s a bad person. Manipulative? As I said, I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be or if we’re supposed to think she’s sincere. I tend to see it as the latter and therefore focus more on her self-righteousness, but it would be fair to see it as her just being incredibly manipulative.

So, yeah. Either Kikyo said that because she wanted to lead Inuyasha to “pick her”, or because she actively believes it. In either case... It doesn’t paint a nice picture of her if you ask me.

Thank you for the question! I hope you don’t mind the delay and that this makes sense, it’s really late and I hope my brain is still functioning :)

[corvidry]

Pink Pearl and Amethyst :>

send me a character and i’ll list the following

(I’ll do Pink Pearl in this post and Amethyst in her own post so it doesn’t get too long.)

Pink Pearl / Volleyball

Favorite thing about them

Wow she’s cute. I would die for every Pearl! There’s some potentially complex factors driving her characterization which I’m into.

Least favorite thing about them

The show had no reason to give her more screen time but also if there was a spinoff that was just about pearls I’d watch it in a heartbeat. Not enough her. I want more her.

Favorite line

Her insisting she’s fine as her face cracks more for Big Irony is up there, but I also really loved the initial exchange between her and Pearl about 

Well, I was her pearl o:^)

SO WAS I !!! :^)

I love your energy, it reminds me of when I was younger. o:^)))))))) 

I’m older than you :^)))))))))))))))

Something about this conversation really fits with the headcanons I have about pearls and their own culture being steeped in this enormous sense of subtlety and passivity and tbh I would pay anybody cash-money to ask me frequently and at length about my extensive lore for pearls as a gem subspecies.

BROTP

I’d honestly like to see her become friendly with Bismuth or some of the amethysts. Idk if that’s weird, but I think by nature she is a very playful gem and would benefit from knowing gems who encourage those traits even though pearls are socialized away from behavior like that. I also think she’s friendly with the other pearls. They’re a little bird clique.

OTP

Her and CG Pearl I guess. We ship volleypearl in this house. Seeing both of their character arcs get a nice resolution that handles the topic of Rose with a level of nuance was cathartic for me. But also like, whatever, all the gems may as well be poly in my mind, they can all kiss, it’s fine.

NOTP

I’ll be real with you idk what bad choices the fandom is making with her but if I find one I’ll tell you about it.

Random headcanon

Pink Pearl is an honest to god agent of chaos in her purest form. She is a gem who under ideal circumstances isn’t afraid to say what she means and to start shit. She really loves playing and practical joking and the only reason that isn’t immediately apparent is because she’s spent her life being a pearl first and an individual second.

Unpopular opinion

I have a hard time characterizing her as this delicate flower who has never done anything wrong and whose single identity in life is victim even though i occasionally see her characterization distilled down to that in fanon content. Obviously every pearl is different and everybody is welcome to their interpretation, but I honestly expect it’s fairly common that a lot of pearls bottle up their emotions due to how they've been socialized.  I’ve honestly always imagined Pink Pearl as a gem with a lot of nerve and whose emotional health has been so poorly managed prior to the present day that often difficult feelings come out unexpectedly and in ways that put others off.  I think Pink Pearl has a lot of very ugly emotions that she isn’t proud and I think when those emotions spill out it’s often very sudden and sometimes very messy. She has outburts, to parallel some existing language in the fandom. It doesn’t make her a bad person or an abuser, but sometimes it makes her hard to be around.  The process of healing is like that sometimes.

Song I associate with them

I found a song while stumbling around JP Youtube recently called Soshite Hana Ni Naru and for whatever reason this song has instantly become a Pink Pearl song for me??? I can’t give the clearest translation of what the song is about bc after years of studying Japanese I still basically suck but the impression I get from the parts I do understand is that the singer is struggling over the memories of a past relationship. She is moving past this thing that caused her pain even if she might have some nostalgia for a time when her life and worldview was simpler.

But uhh part of the reason I associate it so much with Pink Pearl is because of the stuff I said above about Pink Pearl really bottling up her emotions and setting aside her needs and having those things come out in ways that are a little less dignified than what you’d expect of a pearl. The vocalist for this song, Kaf has a very delicate high pitch to her voice but I really like how raw some of her songs get. Specifically the ones that sound a little less produced. There’s something that feels very Pink Pearl to me in the way this artists sings when the content is reaching its emotional peak.  In some of the more powerful parts of a track it can sometimes sound like her voice is becoming shrill and might break because of how she’s pushing it. I think there’s something really beautiful about singing that gives the impression of being raw, sincere, or unfiltered and it suits the way I think of Pink Pearl handling her grief and her frustration. It represents a process that has a lot of value but can be deeply painful and doesn’t necessarily look conventionally pretty.

Favorite picture of them

Rebecca sugar has this extremely sweet picture of her on her Instagram that I love

[entriesfromangels]

Journal Entry (#5) ~

Oh the times we are living in right now.

It’s crazy how a virus is changing our daily lives. How it affects people mentally and physically. But we have to do what we can to keep others safe. Stay home y’all. It’s the best we can do!

Staying home is ideal for anyone who is an introvert at heart. I am but I do like to go out from time to time and socialize with others. Its weird not being able to do that right now.

Lately I’ve been struggling. Not with the whole quarantine stuff but with family. As y’all know, I’m living with my fiancé and his family or my future in-laws.

My MIL (mother-in-law) and I are not in the best situation. Our relationship is complex. There is respect there but right now its not anything more than that.

We had a talk a few days ago about where we stand. I have had previous talks with her but it involved me writing things down that bothered me and after she told me to place myself in her shoes... i realized I’m going about this all wrong.

She felt i was ambushing her with all the negative things i don’t like that she does. After sitting down, hearing how she felt, it really hurt me to know i have been treating her so poorly. I also have a bad habit in venting about my issues with her to my fiance and my parents. My MIL sees it as talking s**t and obviously... that wasn’t my intention but i see where she is coming from.

I’m Hispanic. Our culture involves gossiping and venting thoughts and emotions to ones we are the closest to. All my life, i never saw it as an issue because I’ve always done it. My family does it. My friends do it. I was bound to pick it up.

My fiance is white. Obviously their culture is different and gossiping is seen as a harmful thing. After hearing what she felt about me doing this, potentially damaging her having a future relationship with my parents, painting her in a negative light and just overall not feeling good about herself and how she’s portrayed to others, has been a negative impact on her self-esteem.

Another issue that had been bothering her is when i vent about her to my fiance. Things she does that bothers me, things that annoys me and things that make me angry. She mentioned, in order to maintain a positive relationship, i need to go to her for any issue i may have with her. I don’t know why its taking me so long to understand and realize that's what i should be doing but I am doing that now.

There is also a lack of trust. I promised her i wouldn’t tell my fiance about our talks and continue to complain about her. After our last talk before our recent one, i did the opposite and told him everything we talked about. Big mistake.

She saw it as backstabbing and from then on, has slowly lost trust in me. After she explained that, while crying, i was starting to realize how my actions are affecting her.

Being from a different culture isn’t an excuse. Being used to how i handle things and express myself when it comes to difficult situations isn’t an excuse. I have been treating her basically like a piece of trash and i feel so f***ing terrible about it........

All my life, after coming out of treatment, i have embraced positivity and wanted to live my life with no negative people or negative thoughts. Since living here and getting to know my in-laws better, I have done the complete opposite to my MIL and i just feel like the worst person...

She told me it will take time before she can fully trust me again and i totally understand. I’m 24, going to be 25 in June and i am acting like a child tbh.

Sometimes when you go about things a certain way for so long and don’t think anything more about it, you don’t really realize how someone else, who might not be used to that, may feel.

I have so many positive people in my life, i do but we gossip. Not always but it does happen. That may not be positive to someone else and you know what? It really isn’t. I saw a normality behind it and didn’t think it would be harmful to someone else.

My MIL can get on my nerves and i know i get on hers. That is bound to happen. The way i have been handling our conflict has not been the best. I know i can do better. She said she was going to watch and see if i do hold up to what i said i was going to do and with time, slowly grow her trust back with me.

I have been so blessed to have a wonderful fiance and a great MIL. She has done so much for us and is a literal angel for her efforts. I just haven’t been showing it... my actions haven’t spoken for my words and that is a real problem.

I know deep down I’m not an awful person and i know she isn’t either. How can she know that if all i have done is gone behind her back and vent about all the things i think she is doing wrong. That isn’t right and it hurts to think i have affected someone else in this way.

Since our talk on Saturday (3/28), I haven’t spoken to anyone about what we specifically discussed. The most i have said is our talk was good and we are doing okay moving forward. I have not even mentioned it to my fiance and honestly, we have been more playful and loving without me spreading negative feelings towards his mom. If he gets annoyed with her on his own, i have just been comforting him and reminding him that she loves him and talk her up instead of agreeing and making him think worse about her.

I never in my whole life considered gossiping or venting as being a negative thing or impact on someone else. I’ve always done it. It may seem odd to someone else that it has taken me this long to understand the dangers of this. Especially when i have experienced it on the other end. Its not fun, it makes you feel helpless since you cant defend yourself when the gossiping takes place. So you may ask, “if you understand how this can be negative to someone else, why are you still engaging in it?” My answer is, i don’t know.

Gossiping is a very social thing. Your friend brings up something someone else did and complains. What do you do? Agree with your friend and comfort them. If its about a friend, we bring in what also bothers us about them and continue with that. It seems harmless but you might also think, what about the person you are talking about? What is this issue that annoys you so much that you can’t bring it up to the person being talked about? How would that make them feel if they knew you were talking about them in a negative light?

And you know what, that's true. How would that make the other person feel? The answer to that is, not very good. I saw it with how hurt my MIL was about it. How she tries so hard to please others and make others feel happy and comfortable. I was so heartbroken to see that i caused her to feel so bad about herself, made her cry and loose her trust with me.

She also mentioned if this is how i really am as a person, that she doesn’t want to be involved in that. The truth is, i am not that person. I love people. I love my family/friends and i want nothing but for them to be happy and feel loved. I just haven’t properly given my MIL the love and respect that she so greatly deserves and for that, i will always feel terrible; even when things get better.

Moving forward, she said she will watch to see if i fulfill my promise to not vent or complain about her and if there is an issue, i come directly to her instead of being a chismosa (gossip in Spanish). So far i haven’t complained, vented or talked about our whole conversation to ANYONE.

Instead, i’m writing it on here. My positivity blog where i feel the most safe with my thoughts. This is better than spreading gossip and bringing others into a situation when its just between the two people involved.

Everyday since our conversation, i have been feeling lighter and happier with my surroundings. One thing that won’t change is my mental health struggles with anxiety and depression; having thoughts and needing an outlet to let them out. Thanks Tumblr! Lol

I will continue to post how our relationship progresses and my feelings/mood since giving up gossiping. To tell you the truth, I feel so much better and understanding about the situation knowing what i did wrong and how that affected someone else I love/care about.

You are never to old or young to better yourself and improve relationships.

I hope for nothing but positive feelings and thoughts moving forward and if i do have something negative to say, its better to not say it at all.

[daeva-agas]

Voltage needs an editor who can keep the characterization consistent, because the recent Nobu route sounds like this: “WEEEEEEEE I DID RESEARCH!! DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH RESEARCH I DID??? LOOK AT ALL MY RESEARCH!! LOOK LOOK!!! Oh... plot... uh... hold on give me 10 seconds I’m sure I can think of something.” 

The end product is something that really felt out-of-character. This is supposed to be after MC married the lords. Even if we assume they want to make it accessible to new players who didn’t see the 60 events before it, doesn’t mean the character growth/progress can be thrown out the window. Nobu shouldn’t be this unreasonable. 

The "food in sword” thing? That IS a thing. From the Edo era. The book was written in 1660-1695, and published in 1712 or 1717, about 100 years after the original incident. 

The problem is that in the original Edo era book, the point of the story is to show that Araki is a big tough man who ain’t scared of anything. Also, maybe gags about big mouths because what was stuck on the sword was a manju. Araki went right ahead and ate the thing whole in one bite. Whoever is the writer in charge of the event story wrote up Araki as a genial old man, so Nobu just looks really nasty here. He just said he was bored, and then pointed a sword in someone’s face. It’s not misunderstanding, it’s a genuinely shitty attitude, and there is no way to “explain it away”.

Look, it’s not a problem of “getting the story wrong”, but just because “it’s true”, doesn’t mean that you can just stuff it in. That’s not how story works. The original Edo era story doesn’t fit the characterization of both Araki and Nobu that SLBP is running with, so they should have put more effort to adapt it. THIS IS FUCKING LAZY, AND IT GRATES ON MY NERVES. 

Even if you toss in the excuse that “It’s to give Araki a reason to rebel”, then THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO DO IT. He’s supposed to be a new guy. If you bully the new guy, of course they’d get pissed and ditch. Why is everyone surprised that he rebels? You ain’t giving him a reason to NOT rebel!!!!

A better way to go about it would have to make Araki “less nice”. Or at least make the “not nice” parts of history to be a rumour that has reached the Oda clan, regardless of its truth. 

Say, Nobunaga goes, “I have heard that you weren’t actually permitted to leave by your former masters, but you coerced them into submission. How am I supposed to trust you?”

Then Araki may respond, “That is false rumour. I will do anything to earn your trust!”

And then Nobunaga does the sword thing as an intimidation to test Araki for loyalty, or IDK, how much trust Araki puts in his new lord. I don’t think SLBP is running with a “Nobu only gives as much trust as he receives from the other person” concept but it would’ve been cool. 

I think that would be better, and Nobu looks way less shitty. Because otherwise the MC being indignant that the Araki retainers are shitting on Nobu just looks really asinine. I'm not exactly a sensitive person, and I’m fine with crude characters. I also regularly defend Nobu against “HE WAS A SHITTY LORD” accusations. Yet, I still think he’s being actually nasty for no reason here. This is shitty behaviour, and there’s no amount of mental gymnastics you can do that could make it okay. And the worst part is that even though we had a “fix” of sorts for the scene where Nobu rails off at Araki’s son, we never did get an explanation for why he’s being mean to them in public. Sure the little chat about paintings was cute, but... why so mean during the public appearance? Isn’t it supposed to be the reverse? You be nice in public, then you can get all bitchy when nobody’s looking.

The story so far indicates that Araki’s reason of rebellion was copy-pasted from Wikipedia, i.e “mistreatment of vassals”. This is not a sure fact, it’s just an opinion/analysis made by a modern historian. Which... is really handled poorly, TBH. Like, Hideyoshi wonders at the end “Why did he rebel?” Gee, I don’t know, maybe because he was being bullied in public?

Maybe that’s not it, so I’ll wait until Part 2. Hopefully it resolves things and make it better, but right now it just looks like a sordid mess and I’m mad.